Gotta Catch 'em All!

This is going to be the most serious blog written about Pokemon by someone who isn't a virgin.


Pokemon was released in North America on September 30th, 1998. I had just turned 11 and I was fascinated. Before I managed to get the game myself, I studied the original 150 (we hadn't discovered Mew yet) on the internet and in my friends' strategy guides. Nothing fascinated me more than these creatures.

Then, Christmas Day, I ripped open my packages, desperate to find my copy of Pokemon Blue. After being disappointed by lack of Pokemon underneath my Christmas Tree, mom comes out from the other room with two packages that "Santa" forgot. Chris and I unwrap our copies of Pokemon Red and Blue, respectively.

It was so perfect. Growing up, Chris loved the Red Power Ranger and I loved the Blue Power Ranger. I always used the Blue Yoshi and Chris always used the Red Yoshi. I liked the Blue Beetleborg and Chris liked the Red. Even worse, my second favorite color was Green, the Japanese equivalent to Blue.

Everything about that game was exciting. I almost shit myself when I caught my first Magikarp, that's how excited I was about everything. Every little thing in that game caught me by surprise.

By the time Gold and Silver came along (Oct 14th 2000) I was in 8th grade and a seasoned Pokemon Professional. Johto threw new challenges at me that I never expected; new pokemon, new world map, and new badges. I had to evolve my strategy.

Unfortunately, by the time Ruby and Sapphire came along, it had become very... trite. No longer were the new Pokemon designs intriguing, but they were becoming more and more... unnecessary. There were still some favorites, and I loved that the terrain was more varied and the towns unique.

By the time Diamond and Pearl were released, I had the formula down. Gimme my Pokedex and send me on my way, already!! I knew what I had to do, and was at the Elite four within a week.



I certainly didn't mean to give you my entire history with the franchise, but what I'm trying to get at is that I'm part of the original generation that Pokemon was targeted for. These games were made for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have every right to feel how I feel about the series, because I was part of the demographic it first targeted.


And, like any decade-long fan of the series, I have a series of complaints and gripes.
In no particular order:

<> Okay, for starters, what is with the Pokemon world and gotdamned Electric Rodent Pokemon!! With the addition of Emonga for Pokemon Black & White, we're up to SEVEN.

I mean what is the point of this even?! FIVE OF THEM ARE PRACTICALLY THE SAME GOTDAMN POKEMON. Not a SINGLE one of them is devoid of little circles on their faces. It's also not improper to assume that there will be an evolution to Emonga, giving us the possibility of another one or two more electric rodent Pokemon. There's no need for this! This, in and of itself, is proof of a lack of originality within the staff at Game Freak.

::EDIT::

Speaking of unoriginality, I've noticed another trend in the Pokemon world. If it's not some kind of an electric rodent, then it's gotta be a MONKEY! I mean, EVERYONE LOVES MONKEYS, AMIRITE?! At least they're all part of an evolutionary line, unlike all of the Pikachu knockoffs. And yes, it's arguable that Slaking is a sloth, but he has more in common with the apes than he does his clearly sloth-like pre-evolution, Slakoth.

But wait, isn't there something missing? Oh, that's right! The whole reason I'm adding this portion in - The August 22nd Pokemon Sunday in Japan just revealed a new Pokemon, Yanappu:

This time, it's a GRASS MONKEY! KIDS LOVE MONKEYS AMIRITE.

OH WAIT! Don't forget! We've also got Hihidaruma!

It's like they just throw elements together with animals. "Monkey... fire... FireMonkey?!" "Don't we have a Fire Chicken and a Fire Pig and a Fire Horse and a Fire Puppy and another Fire Puppy and a Fire Slug and a Fire Turtle and a Fire Fox and a Fire Dragon and another Fire Monkey already?" "Did you hear me? I SAID FIREMONKEY!"

<> EVOLUTION

{}There are some Pokemon that were given completely unnecessary evolutions. For instance,

What is the point of evolving Lickitung??

There's a big deal made in Pokemon Diamond and Pearl that "maybe only perfect Pokemon don't evolve. That's why Dialga and Palkia don't evolve, but other Pokemon do?" That doesn't mean you need to take Pokemon that are already pretty nonsensical on their own and giving them an even worse evolution!

That brings me to my next evolution complaint,

{} Why were there some Pokemon that didn't evolve?

If we absolutely needed an evolution or baby form of Pokemon like Tangela, Lickitung, and Jynx, then why are there no evolutions or pre-evolutions for Pokemon fan-favorites like Farfetch'd or obscure Pokemon like Smeargle, or unnecessary, clearly imperfect Pokemon like Pachirisu? Seriously? Pachirisu, a Pokemon found almost immediately in the games doesn't evolve?! But they felt the need to add on evolutions to already stable evolutionary families, like Ryhorn/Rhydon, Magby/Magmar, Elekid/Electabuzz, Magnemite/Magneton, etc? Those Pokemon bring me to my next gripe,

{} Complicated Evolutionary Families

In order to add on to some evolutionary lines, Game Freak / Nintendo decided that instead of reasoning "uhh... you couldn't evolve it because we hadn't thought of that Pokemon yet..." they instead rationalized that the Pokemon world just hadn't figured out how to evolve it yet.

For instance, you can evolve Sneasel into Weavile at night if it's holding a Razor Claw.

Wait, what?

That's... oddly specific...

Surely there's no other Pokemon like that, right?

Lickitung evolves into Lickylicky when leveled up while knowing the move Rollout. Evolve Gligar into Gliscor at night while holding a Razor Fang. To evolve Porygon into Porygon2, trade it while it holds Up-Grade. Trade it again while holding Dubious Disc to obtain a PorygonZ.

The list goes on and on. Which brings me to my next topic...

<> Something that's bothered me for a while now is the new emphasis on battle instead of catching all the Pokemon. I suppose catching over 500 Pokemon has become a pretty daunting task, but it's almost unfair to the Pokemon at this point. Later on, I'll go into Pokemon that I've deemed pretty much useless, but thanks to the emphasis being detracted from "Catching 'em All!", the novelty Pokemon are basically ignored. I can't imagine a single person that purposefully catches a Nosepass. I, personally, don't even bother with Geodude or Zubat anymore. I mean, what's the point? Catch one Geodude and you've caught 'em all.

<> Can you honestly say you remember this Pokemon?

What about this one?

What about these?

That's fine, I didn't remember them either.

Now that there's over 500 of them, they're becoming very forgettable. Thanks to Generation IV being fresh in our minds, we can barely remember Generation III anymore, and as time as gone on, there's less and less Pokemon from each generation that I think "Oh man! I can't wait to catch and train so-and-so!" Sure, I have a few from each generation. I'm always excited to get a Wartortle and a Dragonair. I fight to get my Mareep as soon as I can so I can evolve him into an Ampharos, and Quagsire has never failed me. Despite a lack of attack strength, I love the evolutionary line of Ralts, and I sped through SoulSilver as fast as I could so I could beat it and get my Shinx.

Unfortunately, it seems as though GameFreak ran out of ideas for many of their Pokemon, or didn't give some Pokemon enough unique characteristics, movesets, or battles involving them in order for us to remember them.

{} As a sidenote, the new games are not going to feature any Pokemon outside of Isshu's Regional Pokedex until you get the NationalDex. Though I find this is a great way to strand veteran players outside their comfort zones, it makes me incredibly sad that I won't be able to have a Shinx for a long, long time.

{} I could focus for a while on the Legendary Pokemon, but I feel like a lot of what I have to say has already been said. It's kind of strange that you can basically capture and train GOD. It's strange to think that back during Pokemon Red and Blue the most powerful mother-fucker ever was Mewtwo. Now, Mewtwo is Sunkern in comparison to these Pokemon that created Time and Space. And what kills me is how are these Pokemon who created everything only like level 40? I would expect a bit more out of our creators. Dialga and Palkia created time and space. Azelf, Mesprit, and Uxie created emotion. Giratina rules over the nether world. Arceus created the entire universe. And the newcomers, Reshiram and Zekrom possibly created Arceus. Granted, Mew is the ancestor of all Pokemon and Celebi can travel through time, but creating the thing that created everything ever? That's pretty badass. What the hell does Ho-oh do other than fly around and look pretty? Man, fuck that.

<> Okay, I actually like the story, despite how repetitive it is. 10 year old boy trains Pokemon and saves the world. It's kind of interesting though, seeing as how in Generation III and IV you literally save the planet from destruction (in Generation III, you prevent Team Aqua from covering the world in water and Team Magma from covering the world in earth; in Generation IV, you stop Team Galactic from destroying our world and creating a new one, presumably full of Glameow and Purugly.) However, it always bother me that you then have to prove yourself to the Elite Four. Like... dude. Just made sure you all didn't die horrible deaths. I think y'all owe me at this point.

It'll be interesting to see what stupid stuff Team Plasma comes up with. I assume they'll be equally as ridiculous as Team Galactic, but hopefully with a little more spice and flair. I hope I'm actually a little bit afraid of them, instead of my usual tactic of plowing through them like a lawnmower on warm summer day.

Though that makes me curious - why is no one surprised to see a 10 year old get his first Pokemon and become a complete Pokemon Master within a week? There are people in these games who've been training for years and years and years and you knock them out after your third day training. That's, I suppose, a downside to being a veteran - everything comes easily.



Okay, I think it's about time to wrap up this blog. I might do a Part II later, but I'd like to add a disclaimer to the end of this one. I think Pokemon is the most amazing and innovative Video Game series of our time. Nothing will ever surpass it in terms of originality and addiction value. I will be buying the new generations sometime next spring. (who's hoping for an early release date?!)

I am in no way, shape, or form a purist. I see a lot of really interesting changes coming up in Generation V and I'm so excited to play through my ELEVENTH Pokemon Journey. That's right, I've played through Blue, Yellow, Silver, Crystal, Sapphire, Emerald, LeafGreen, Diamond, Platinum, and SoulSilver.

Crystal

Despite having a bit of a fever today, I had a discussion with someone who means a lot to me, Alex Klein, about racism, and it really got me thinking about a few things.

See, Alex was on a kick about the laws surrounding Rock and Powdered cocaine, more commonly referred to as Crack and Coke. Crack, a drug primarily used in lower socioeconomic cultures, incurs much heavier penal punishment than Cocaine, a drug primarily used in the upper socioeconomic classes. Being as how low SES (Socioeconomic Status) areas are primarily black/hispanic/minority and high SES areas are primarily white, it is a form of institutionalized racism.

Now, I have this bad habit of taking the unconventional side on a lot of things. Most people would scream "RACISM!" but I was raised in a very different way... I wasn't taught racism when I was a kid. I didn't know any racial slurs other than the N word until I got to college. It's just not how I grew up. So in situations like this, I always wonder "...hmm, is there any chance that this isn't racially motivated?"

So it got me thinking. ...I know next to NOTHING about illicit drugs. So I'm here thinking maybe the laws have less to do with putting the blackies in jail and more to do with the drugs themselves. Maybe Crack is more addictive and destructive than Coke. Maybe because Coke is refined it's less of a health and safety hazard. Maybe the highs from the two drugs are different enough that we've determined that Coke is just plain safer than Crack, so the laws on Crack are tougher. Well, I decided to do some research, and by that I mean a bunch of google searches. From what I can see, Crack looks like it's a bit rougher on the system and has a nastier downfall after the high... but then again, there didn't seem to be as much information on Coke as there was Crack.

While I'm looking all this up, Alex says to me that whereas my theory could be rooted somewhere, why would reporters report on this stuff if it's not true?

Well let me tell you something. Reporters will report anything if it'll make them money. People would much rather read something about the institutionalized racism than the chemical makeup of Crack and Coke.

I never 100% trust the first opinion I hear, especially when it comes to sociology. I took a couple sociology classes in college, and they drove me up a wall - all they taught me was that racism will always be around because white people are horrible.

For instance.

My friend Matt was in a sociology course where they were discussing a children's book that featured an illustrated Barack Obama. In this illustration, Obama appeared quite a few shades lighter than he is in real life. After about ten minutes of the class banging back and forth ideas about white people demeaning his blackness or the company lightening Obama so white children wouldn't be intimidated by him, Matt finally raises his hand.
"Do any of you know anything about bookmaking? ...I thought so. Did you ever stop to think that dark ink costs more than light ink? They probably saved $100 Grand by lightening him up a little bit."

That stopped that conversation.


So I thought a bit more, and I realized another possible explanation for this whole Crack vs. Coke thing. Think about what the police have to deal with. Police don't have to bust into white people homes in order to stop Mrs. Anderson from doing a line or two before she does the laundry. Police don't have to stop white-people gang wars over refined cocaine. What police do have to do is get caught in shootouts revolving crack deals gone south. Police have far more trouble in the inner-city, where Crack is more prevalent, than in the suburbs where Coke is more prevalent. In the long run, Crack makes the streets more dangerous than Coke does, so they're more likely to have sink more money into dealing with Crack dealers than Coke dealers; therefore, our laws are much stricter on Crack than Coke.

Sure, it still boils down to the fact that the inner-city is more populated by the lower SES crowd and therefore more minorities and blacks and the suburbs are more white, but that's not Crack's fault.

There's still a lot that I don't know, and I recognize that this post has a lot of opinion with little research to back it up, unlike a majority of my posts, but you have to understand; I see a whole lot of white people jumping to the race card because it makes them seem less racist, but in the long run? Everybody likes to blame someone else. No one likes to take responsibility for themselves anymore. The inner-city has drug problems because people do drugs; the suburbs have drug problems because people do drugs. This doesn't make it racist, though; this makes it classist, and the world will always be classist.

And no, there's no bright side to the world being classist...
What I'm trying to get at is that there's no room full of old bald white guys figuring out new ways to get the darkies into prison. People need to start looking at all sides of an argument before settling on the easiest answer. The opposite of the Horse and Zebra proverb.

...now I'm just rambling. I guess I don't have a solid ending to this post, a "final thought" if you will.

...I'm going to bed.

*drunk edit*
Fall Out Boy sings about cocaine, and they're harmless. I mean, have you seen Pete Wentz?
Most rappers that rap about crack also rap about killing bitches.
Point made.

Chronic

The Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ) is that nifty little joint that keeps your jaw together.

Mine has a lot of problems.

TMJ Syndrome or Disorder (often just called TMJ) spans many different types of jaw problems, all of which revolve around the Temporomandibular Joint. It can range from swelling of the joint to dislocation or misalignment of the jaw.

The left side of my jaw happens to be misaligned, and occasionally dislocates. It also pops and clicks and is all around pretty unstable.

It's also often in a lot of pain.
Between one to six times a day, I'll feel a dull pain start in my lower jaw close to the joint. Sometimes it stays just like that, a dull aching pain that goes away quickly. More often than not, however, the pain escalates to a severe level, sometimes so bad that my mouth starts salivating, preparing to vomit from the pain. It doesn't just stay at my jaw, it often travels and begins hurting my sinuses and my ear. I become sensitive to sound, and sometimes light. My forehead and eyes may begin to hurt, and I'm clutching my face in pain. Sometimes it even dislocates and gets stuck. Sometimes I can remedy it just by changing gravity's pull, but other times I have to painfully pop it back into place Xena style.

Only occasionally do I do something to provoke it (eat something crunchy, chew gum, etc.); often times, it starts hurting on it's own. It often wakes me up a mere few hours after I've gone to sleep. I've had the misalignment and popping and locking and clicking for a while now, but only about six months or so ago did it start hurting like this.

Anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen and aleve seem to help the most, but sometimes I'll go up to an hour or more without relief; even with these OTC meds, I have to wait for them to kick in - if they kick in. Sometimes heat helps, sometimes ice helps, sometimes neither helps, or other times I have to mix and match until I get a good combination.

Not everyone experiences these symptoms. My one friend has similar problems, but her jaw muscles will occasionally ache if she eats steak or chews gum.

I don't have medical or dental insurance, so I can't afford to talk to a doctor about it. There don't seem to be any over the counter mouth-guards I can use (I don't have a problem with grinding my teeth, but all of the mouth guards I've seen say "don't use if you have TMJ Syndrome.) One friend told me she used to have headgear for her TMJ; another friend told me that his doctor wants to break his jaw in order to realign it. However, without being able to afford a doctor, my only method of relief is to try to stick to softer foods, OTC anti-inflammatories, reducing stress, and ice/heat - and that doesn't seem to be doing much good.

The way my TMJ Syndrome has developed classifies it as a chronic illness. I am chronically in pain - my jaw acts up between one to six times a day. Today, it woke me up around 7AM. Generally when it wakes me up, I can take a few ibuprofen and fall back asleep. Around 3PM or so it was mild pain, but some ice helped it. I had a couple mini-flare ups which I quickly countered with ibuprofen, but a really bad flare-up has kept me up late tonight, spending the last hour using both a heat-pack and an ice-pack to try and hit the right combination to make it feel better. Laying on my bed at 3AM with my face covered in heat and ice packs moaning in pain is not how I used to spend Wednesday nights. It happens all the time when I'm at work, and I can't sit down for an hour until it goes away - I just have to work through it. My friends, family, and coworkers don't really seem to understand what's going on, many think I'm just overreacting or that I can't handle pain very well.

Also, all studies show that sufferers of chronic pain are exponentially more likely to begin suffering from clinical depression. I've been really down the past couple weeks, and in doing more research on TMJ came across an article that spoke about TMJ Sufferers and the likelihood of developing not only depression, but higher pain sensitivity.

Luckily I've found a decent website that has a bunch of links for help and recipes for soft foods and ideas for how to maintain my problems. Despite it's poor aesthetic quality and lovey-dovey hippie undertone, tmjhope.org has a lot of neat and valuable information.

I'm likely going to be living with this for the rest of my life... but I'm hoping that as time goes on I'll be better at managing it and not getting discouraged. I just want other people to understand what I'm going through, especially since I have this habit of pretending like I'm a-okay, even when I think I'm about to throw up with how much it hurts.

I Can Make Your Bed Rock

What if I fall for you?
...would you catch me in your noodle arms?
Would you never let me go?
Could I lay there in your weak arms like a first born?

If I feel insecure, will you tell me you love me?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me you need me?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me I'm skinny?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me that I'm the only one?
Even if I didn't believe you?

When the world won't do, will you give me the rest?
'cuz I'd do it all for you.

Here Comes the Groom

I went to my friends wedding today, and let me tell you, it got me thinkin' about stuff.

For starters, the Groom from the last wedding I went to has had time to suffer a back injury, get addicted to pain meds, and die in a drug war gang shooting, and the bride has had time to remarry - so it's been about a week? Just kidding, it's been about eight or ten years since my last wedding, so I really had no idea what to expect. I pulled up to the place and saw a beautiful wedding set up down the hill from the reception hall, and a horse-drawn carriage. Naturally I assumed I was at the wrong place.
False. Definitely at the right place. Samantha had a horse-drawn carriage.
So clearly we're having a fairy-tale dream wedding. The sky was overcast but comfortable, flowers were falling from the trees, the wind was calm, and we were seated on the wrong side. That's right, they sat myself and five of our friends on the Groom's side. ...which is fine, because Alex is a total sweetheart. ...Speaking of Alex, where the hell is he? I thought, hoping that this wouldn't be a soap opera wedding. Finally the grinning groom emerges from behind his groomsmen and is escorted to the trellis. Sam is escorted from the carriage to the trellis by her father, looking beautiful. This was a picture from a storybook.

Then the Pastor opened his mouth.

Considering how formal and dreamy this whole scenario was, this Pastor didn't fit in one bit. Fairytale Wedding Officiators don't say "totally" every fifth sentence and make jokes about mommy still packing lunch. He ended up turning the whole thing into a whole big deal about the definition of a holy union and how they weren't two, they were three (the third being Jesus Christ) but now they're all one, like a rope. It was a nice metaphor, but it was poorly explained - I thought he was trying to say that they needed a third person for the relationship and that threesomes were the best and only way to go. Not only this, but his enunciation was horrific; he was clearly trying to suppress his Philly accent and not doing a very good job. It just wasn't appropriate in a ceremony so formal that people weren't sure whether or not we were allowed to clap even when the bride and groom kissed. Yeah, the pastor had to let us know we could clap. After they were officiated they did the thing where they walk back down the aisle as a newly married couple and we were supposed to blow bubbles on them. ...yeah, we all totally froze and that didn't happen whatsoever.

OH!

I forgot to mention the vocalist! Oh man was that awkward. After they lit their unity candle, this guy gets up with his guitar and starts playing. It was great until he started singing. Don't get me wrong, he has a lovely voice - but the happy couple just stood there smiling at each other for two and a half minutes. It was kind of... awkward.


Other than that, it was a total dream wedding, and it got me thinking.
...It got me thinking that I don't want anything like it for my wedding.

Don't get me wrong - this wedding was perfect for Sam and Alex. It just made sense for them, and not an ounce of it surprised me.

Me, on the other hand? I was a beach wedding. I want a small smattering of people I love. I don't want the officiator to talk about how I am solely a product of my parents, or tell me that we're no longer individuals, I want him to tell us that what makes us individuals is what makes us work even better as one and that we each contribute unique and beautiful things to the relationship. I don't want a sermon on how failing to meet my obligation to the church is comparable to adultery, I want to know that our obligations to each other are the most important things in our lives. I don't want to hear that the ring tells strangers that I'm unavailable, I want to hear that the rings are a symbol of our strength and unity with each other and that we may feel it even if we are without each other.

And I want everyone to be jealous of us.

That's right, I said it. I'm not gonna pretend I'm not jealous of Sam. She had a beautiful wedding a beautiful husband, a beautiful everything. I couldn't be more jealous of their relationship. The look on Alex's face was pure joy, and I knew that I wanted to feel that. I wanted to feel what Sam felt as she walked up the aisle, with the petals falling from the trees with her beautiful husband waiting for her at the other side. I wanted to know that my life would never be the same and that I'd feel the same way about this man for the rest of my life.
Yet I could still be happy for Sam. I still know deep down that even though I haven't met the man of my dreams, he's still out there somewhere. The aged bachelor life isn't for me. Sure, I'll never be able to afford a wedding like Sam's, but I know that my wedding will mean so much for me - not as the happiest day of my life, but as the beginning of the happiest days of the rest of my life - a symbol of the expectations of our day-to-day living as a married couple, together because of our love for each other and no one else, and our committal to mate for life. Maybe we'll choose to have a family. Maybe we'll choose to travel the globe. Maybe we'll raise chickens. Who knows? None of that will matter, so long as we have each other.


...what can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.


I know this will all happen for me someday. Sure, I'm not the classiest of individuals, but I've always known I'd find love and get married and grow old with someone. It's what I'm here for. I only hope I can make that person as happy as they make me.

Why I can Hate Twilight without having read it

Why I Can Hate Twilight Without Having Read It

Okay so I can think of a follower or two that really aren't going to enjoy this post... and I'm very sorry that I've offended you and I hope you still love me, but I'm not sorry for what I have to say.


1. Conceptual Hatred
There are a lot of things we all hate without having been subjected to it. Liver, for instance, or Brussels Sprouts, or your boyfriend's ex-boyfriend.
Vampires never really did it for me. While Buffy was wanking it over Angel and Spike, I was lusting over Xander Harris. Sure, David Boreanez was/is fuckhot, but that had nothing to do with him being a vampire, it had to do with the fact that he's David Boreanez. Mmm. However, I was always on team Buffy and therefore couldn't get a hard-on for a vampire if I tried. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the only vampire franchise I've ever had any interest in, and it seems like it'll stay that way. The premise of Twilight just doesn't interest me. Nothing about a mildly boring teenager falling for a moody and socially awkward statutory rapist (she's 17, he's a zillion years old, yes?) just doesn't do it for me. Sorry bro.

2. The Fanbase
I know that this is the easiest group to pick on, but can you blame me? Y'all make it so easy. I had a few people I know try and get me into Twilight during my Chuck Palahniuk phase, but nothing at that time was going to surpass his writing. It didn't help that the girl that was trying to get me to read Twilight is generally regarded to be one of the dumbest people I've ever met. This is a girl that would yell at television commercials and not realize she was on her period, despite the fact that we could all smell it. This is a girl that didn't realize that Interior Design and Interior Decorating were two vastly different things, which is why she was failing her Interior Design courses. She ended up paying $40 Grand a year for a photography degree. Yes. This is the stereotype of the kind of girl that loves Twilight. Another person who loves Twilight? One of my bosses who is more like a 13 year old girl than her 13 year old daughter. This is the same woman who went to a Jonas Brothers concert. This is the vaguely accurate stereotype of a Twitard.
That doesn't mean there aren't any smart Twilight fans, I've met a few... but they're also not freaky-deaky obsessed with Twilight.
However, having this freaky-deaky moronic fanbase is a huge turn-off for a majority of those agnostic towards StephanieMyerism. Reading stories of Twitards breaking up with boyfriends who weren't enough like Edward/Jacob or physically attacking people who make fun of Twilight is kind of terrifying, and is enough to make anyone say "...yeah, I'd rather not be a part of that."

3. The Twilight Cash Cow
It always blows to see what a majority of people consider a mediocre product make goddamn bank the way Twilight does. More money have been sunk into Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn than into collegiate education across the nation in the same amount of time.* Hot Topic makes mad money every time a movie gets re-released in various formats or a book undergoes a reprint or yet another Edward Cullen shirt is made. It sickens me to watch people delve so much money into something that I consider to be a poor man's Buffy.
*completely made up statistic

4. Robert Pattinson is a Fucking Pussy
Yo, that muthafucka was goddamned hawt in Harry Potter. So what do they do? They give him a Jersey Shore blowout hairdo, strip him of melanin, make him lose fifteen pounds, and cover him in glitter like he drunkenly stumbled out of Ke$ha's closet, and alluvasudden he's attractive? If anything, they made him more unattractive. I swear to fuck, the film producers pay him to make sure he looks brooding and upset in all photographs in order to keep the fanbase happy. Yet all these Twitards wanna ride him like he's last years model (because it doesn't matter if he gets damaged and they can put as much mileage on him as they want.)

5. Bella Is a Cunt
Bella Swan (really? "Beautiful Swan"? Seriously? You might as well name her "Twinkle Starlight") is a perfect Mary Sue character (a generic character used to let the reader slip into the book). She's unpopular and boring (see section two, The Fanbase) yet two aged nonhuman characters fall in love with her within ten seconds? It sounds like every nerdy girls wet dream. Why would a 21 billion year old, "perfectly-toned" "Vampire" fall in love with a whiny 17 year old girl who kind of sucks a volleyball? Is her blood made of crack? If not, there's no logical explanation other than Stefani Meyer likes her gray vibrator a little too much. The fact that this book advertises abusive relationships to teenagers is disgusting. "I'll do anything for you!" "If you leave me, I'll kill myself." "...dude, I already said I wouldn't leave you." "...can I drink your period blood?"

6. Everyone Hates Stephanie Myer
Meyer? Myers? Mier? Don't care. I can't believe she didn't legally change her name to Bella Swan, considering the entire Twilight series is just masturbatory narcissism. Stephen King said in an interview that she "can't write worth a darn," and that cracked me up so hard. The Oatmeal wrote an amazing piece outlining exactly why Twilight makes money - namely by making Bella the perfect Mary Sue character. Even my parents, who are 32 kinds of dumb, watched Twilight and at the end said "...why is this so boring? It's like they left out all the good parts and left only bad dialogue!"

7. "Hold on tight, Spider Monkey"
'nuff said.

8. Abstinence
I don't know if you caught onto the series being a big metaphor for why abstinence is the shit, but it's a big metaphor for why abstinence is the shit. They can't have sex until they're married, which has got to be fucking difficult since there's no way in hell he has proper legal papers, and when they consummate their marriage on their honeymoon, it almost kills her because apparently Vampire Sex is fuckin' rad, and then she's immediately pregnant and they have to cancel the honeymoon. BUT THE FREAKY DOESN'T END THERE. From what I understand, Bella's half-vampire/half-empty shell daughter is biologically connected to be Jacobs bride when she grows up (which, by the way, happens far too fast for this daughter to actually learn anything). "Hey, so I chose this other guy over you. Is it cool if you marry my unborn daughter instead? I figured that'd be cool." WHAT THE FUCK?!

I believe I've already blogged about it (if not, I need to get on that!) but abstinence only education is, in my well-education opinion, is the worst thing to hit our country in the history of ever. I am not about it. The fact that this is peddled onto these poor teenagers like this is just horrendous.

--------------------------------

Okay, I feel like I could probably keep going with this, but it's 3.30 AM and I just haven't been sleeping at all lately. I need to get some rest.

Sorry, A2, I know you're an avid Twilight fan, but I am just not about it. I hope it's not a dealbreaker.

::edit::

I was half-asleep when I wrote this, so try to excuse grammatical error and misplaced thoughts. One Positive thing I meant to add about Twilight is that at least it's getting people to pick up a book. I'd rather people read Twilight than nothing.

Haikus are more fun than they look.

I'm helping a friend of mine write haikus for her class or whatever about weather or something. here they are!!

When Summer Gets Hot
Girls Wear Less on Beaver Beach
Inappropriate

The Leaves, they fall hard
alas, only in autumn
never in the spring

Air Conditioner
you relieve the summer's heat
high electric bill

cold root beer feels so good
why is it so damn hot out
fuck may, june, july

When the dryer breaks
try putting clothes outside
better for the earth

It's not just me, right?
the weather is way too warm.
Inconvenient Truth?

As May comes nearer
early onset senioritis?
a.d.d. worsens.

4 Ibuprofin
My finals give me headache
Please come soon, may eighth.

My roommate snores loud
it keeps me up all night
goddamned allergies.

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow
why did you touch my sunburn?
can't you see that hurts?

I hate to say this
but I'm breaking up with you
no love you long time

can you see the stars?
no, too much light pollution
maybe next decade

I have one question
I can haz cheesburger nao?
Sorry, lolcat, no.

I love hard science.
total aphrodisiac.
wanna make some love?

jokes about your mom
they will always be funny
your mom's a huge bitch

lightning storms occur
I hear getting hit hurts bad
AHH! WATCH OUT! *bzzzt* OW!

bees love the smell of
water lillies in the sun
not manly enough.

Is that a warm breeze?
It smells so... quite... horrendous.
Dad, did you just fart?

This warm summer day
all it needs is a cold beer
and a weekend off

D'you know Summer's Eve
is a brand of girl's hygeine?
yeah, I know, it's gross.

people are stupid
asking for too many favors
I'm not a genie.

Writing strange haikus
it's a way of life, bitches.
Suck it, suck it dry.


I hope you liked these!


(Also, Matt, my dear friend,
there is one about your mom
can you guess which one?)

I can't take Rejection

Okay, so remember that last post?

Just kidding. I have something to write about, thanks to last night.

I got hardcore rejected.
All I offered was to buy him a drink. We've talked like... three times, and we're in the same bar every Tuesday for karaoke... I haven't even made a move on him or anything to make him uncomfortable (that I'm aware of).
All I said when he approached the bar was "Hey! What are you drinking?"
"I dunno yet."
"Well let me getcha one, on me."
"...no, I don't want to take your money."
"ahh, c'mon, I'm already getting drinks for a couple people, let me get you one."
"No, really. Unless you're wealthy, which you're not, I'm not cool taking your money."
"I... uh..."

At this point it was beating a dead horse, so I just gave up.

You'd think by this time, I'd be a little more used to being rejected... and I am getting used to it. But it still sucks. Like... I'm not unattractive, I'm not annoying, I'm not heinously flamboyant or a total doucher. I've got a lot of friends who (seem to) generally like me, so why do I get rejected so often?
I think possibly it might be that I don't really come off as datable until you get to know me. My friends tell me that I'd be a perfect boyfriend, but then again, they're all women. ...though a few of my straight guy friends have told me that if I had the right parts, they'd be all up ons this. So why are the guys I'm into not into me? It seems to be a trend.

A couple of weeks ago, Dani and I went out to the car for something, and someone driving out of the parking lot shouted out their window "YOU CAN DO BETTER!"

I felt like shit.

Why would someone say that about me? I'm a good guy! Granted, Dani and I will never date, seeing as how she doesn't have the right parts, and she's a little crazy, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't offended. I'm a really great guy, and it hurts that total strangers feel the need to weigh in and say that I'm not good enough.

I've been told my whole life that I'm not good enough. I've always been just above average, and I'm being reminded of it more and more as time goes on. I'm realizing I wasted my four years at college, I don't even know if I want to go back to school at this point. I basically just want to open a bar and spend every night at it until I die, and then open Heaven or Hell's best bar.


I've just been so insecure lately, and things happening around me are exacerbating it. It's not my fault I'm not perfect...

or maybe it is.

Life's too short, and the nights are long.

I spent at little time going through some of my old blogs yesterday... and realized that I haven't been doing much thinking lately. Those were some smart blogs I wrote!!
So then I started wondering Have I become completely vapid? Is that why I don't blog philosophic anymore? Am I dumb now?

Nope, I got a life.

See, I blogged all summer because I had nothing better to do. I was sitting around doing nothing all day long, and I used my blog to get some mental stimulation.

Now, work keeps my brain at least partially running, and I go out 2-3 times a week with friends and party my ass off. I now have stuff to do. FUN stuff, might I add. So yeah, I don't feel too bad about not blogging frequently anymore, now that I can use my brain power for fun instead of ranting.

So, I apologize for the lack of updates, but I don't apologize for enjoying myself. :-)

Another Crappy "Poem"

Closed in, surrounded by threads
of wasted money, wasted talent, wasted love.
Cotton; the fabric of our wasted lives.
I haven't washed these threads since you left
It makes it feel like you're still with me.
Empty Diet Coke cans leave a trail of acidic tears
A reminder of my acidic taste, my acidic fear.
Though love is won & lost & won again, my heart
refuses to beat. It lays still, waiting to strike.
I can still remember your smell... your lack of
bathing likely to blame. I still need to wash my pillow,
but I feel closer to you this way.
It's certainly to late to pick my poison.

And maybe, I wonder, just maybe, if I drink this bottle of
wine, I won't feel sad anymore.
Nope.
The only thing I'm "not feeling" anymore is my face.
Shame, since that's the only good thing about me.
Just kidding, I get a lot of compliments about my dick personality dick.
And one day, I hope, one day, I'll be able to finish something I've