Insanity at its Sanest

May 22 16:37
I'm 90% sure I just saw Santa drive by- 'cept instead of a sleigh, he was in a beat up ford.
16:37 Ps all I've eaten today is 3 energy drinks and a can of pringles, so I could be wrong.

Jun 03 09:25 I just saw a woman walk into the liquor store and get a cart. It's 9:30 on a wednesday. I WANT TO BE HER....

Jun 05 18:43 Aww well thanks for thinking of me! I think of you AT ALL TIMES.
(I think this was in response to me saying I would not get you shot glasses from LA because LAX can burn in a fiery pit.)

Jun 14 10:53 Bad way to kill a Hornet in your bedroom: wrap it up in a curtain and beat it with a mug. Good way to kill a half-dead, pissed off hornet: wrap it in duct tape
10:54 and set it on fire.

Jun 15 18:09 So I'm definitely tipsy... but the kind of tipsy where I want to be dancing furiously, not causing a problem kind of tipsy. i hate being on the train right now.

(half an hour later)
Jun 15 18:33 I FEEL FANTASTIC RIGHT NOW.

These are some texts that I've sent Claudia.

Because being friends with me means being friends with an INSANE PERSON.

...you should probably be friends with me.

...we haven't met yet

I haven't been feeling like a good person the last couple of days.


Working in Customer Service during Christmas has really drained my everything. Snow no longer means "yay! day off! woohoo!" it means insane customers yelling at me because we've run out of snowboots. Jingle Bell Rock loses it's meaning after it's 300th repetition. Spiced Cider isn't a delicious beverage, it's a jar candle we sell for $9.99, but it's on sale this week for $3.49. I have nightmares every night about work. I had an internet stalker who moonlights as a mall santa.


Christmas eve is tomorrow, and I just don't care.


In middle school, I was that kid that wore red and green for a month and wore santa hats the week leading up to christmas. Same in high school and college, but a bit more toned down.


I also found out that Whole Foods starts its employees at $10 an hour. I started at $7.50.


Customer Service has turned me into a total cynic. I make the Grinch look like Mother-fucking-Theresa (pre-heart growing). I hate when musicians make Christmas songs because I know it's just a ploy to sell more albums. All these little punk-rock Christmas songs are a way to get people to download their music. No one makes a Christmas song because they just LOVE Christmas. It's the most commercial holiday ever. At least Valentine's Day doesn't try to deny it - it knows it's a total Hallmark Holiday.


Customer Service has turned me into a difficult person to be around. I'm honestly feeling myself grow a little colder. I don't know how to have a conversation where I'm not talking about how much I hate work. When I'm not at work, all I want to do is talk to my internet friends or sleep. This isn't healthy.

All I can hope is that after Christmas, things will be a lot better for me. Maybe a little less tweakin' out. Maybe a little more stability.
...okay, that's not gonna happen. Let's try something more realistic - I hope that come February, things get a little easier for me.



I'm not a negative person though, I never have been. One of my favorite things about me has always been my positivity. I could always see the good in every situation, the best in every person, the heart of every soul. Now, I just see people as how difficult they're going to be when they approach my customer service counter. I feel gross and fat and overworked and underpaid and the bags under my eyes have bags and I'm breaking out and oh my god poor me I'm so sad.

Fuck, I'm even cynical about how cynical I am. ...that's no good.

Anyway, I miss the positive side of me. I desperately need to find that positive part of me again.
I have a few ideas of how to find Positive Alex again though.
a) find a boyfriend
b) become an alcoholic
c) punch a baby
d) become an alcoholic
e) all of the above

...what, do you have other suggestions?

that's what I thought. :-)

My Christmas List

Christmas!

Now that I have a few days off from work, I can actually care about it. It's hard to be excited for Christmas when it's a cause for people to get really, really nasty.

So, let's talk about what I want for christmas!!

Verizon Droid Phone



I just totally want it. My phone blows mad dicks, I'm so excited for an upgrade.

Legend Of Zelda - Spirit Tracks



I LOVE Legend of Zelda. Like... somuchyoudon'tevenknow.

Chuck Palahniuk - Haunted

This is one of my favorite books, and I think someone stole it from me or I lost it. This makes me cry everywhere.

Rob Sheffield - Love is a MixTape

This is one of the best books I've ever read. I cried throughout the whole thing... which wasn't good, because I read it when I was working at the library... while at work. ...kind of embarrassing.

iPod Touch

Do I really have to explain this one? So awesome.

Neil Gaiman - Coraline

This book is amazing! I read it before the film came out and was stunned.

The Warm Touch of Another

Woah okay where did that come from? Get that out of there! why won't my backspace/delete button work! ahh!


Wellk, if yoiu want to buy me cjhristmas presents (sorry, bcakspace is broken, can't fix typos), let me know and I'll totally give you my mailing adress - assuming you DON'T FUCKING CREEP ME. ...more on that to come.

THAKN YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

Alex's Adventures in Retail (2)

I totally made a guys day yesterday :-)
Not in the pervy way, pervs.

An older (probably late forties or mid fifties) man came up to my customer service counter hoping that we had a hoodie in a different size and color. We didn't have it, but I called up one of the other stores to see if they did. While on hold for thirty-seven years, the customer and I had a really great conversation.

See, within four seconds I could tell that he was gay, so I was immediately more comfortable with him. Especially once he said that he was wearing a girls hoodie under his jacket, I knew I was fine.

I made no indication that I, too, was gay, because it didn't warrant in the situation. I don't run around talking about how gay I am. I think some of my coworkers know... I think others want me to date Dani.

Anyways, we got talking about how I went to college and what I want to do with it, which is couples therapy. Twice now I've been asked if I'd be comfortable working with "all types of couples". Each time I'm asked this, they're always wondering if I'm comfortable working with gay couples. When this guy asked, I said "Absolutely. A couple is a couple, and if they have issues, then I've no problem working with them."

He got a really big smile on his face.

He got happy because he heard someone say "I don't see the difference. There is no difference between gay and straight couples." These things are commonplace in people my age, but I think the older generation needs to hear it more often. Of course, I think this man thought I was heterosexual, which is strange considering my purple flannel and sweatervest, but I'm kind of that right-in-the-middle kind of gay where you're like "...well is he or isn't he?" So this man probably wasn't sure, but seemed to be thrilled to have someone work with him that understood him. We never could get the other store to help out (the men's associate on duty couldn't get off of the register) but I did the best I could, and in the end the customer was satisfied.

We need more straight male allies though. So many straight men are afraid to come forward in support because in the straight male community, that marks you as gay yourself, which is negative. Straight men have just as many if not more social guidelines as gay men. Straight men get football, Gay men get Lady Gaga. Sure, there's some crossover... well, Gay men can cross over. Heck, it's a turn on if a gay man likes sports for something other than tight abs and short shorts. If a straight man likes Lady Gaga because her music has a great beat.... GAY. Sure, I get yelled at for not liking Madonna and not knowing the choreography to every Britney Spears song, but in the long run no gay is going to mark me as an outcast because I've never seen To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar and don't particularly want to. Straight men have very strict social guidelines and heaven forbid they be breached in any way. That's why it's so rare to see a straight man come out in support of the homosexual community, and whenever it happens, we have this bad habit of worshiping them... and they kind of deserve it.

Thank you, heterosexual community, for without your support, we'd just be dog-fuckers.

Alex's Adventures in Retail

Wow! I have ten followers! I am truly flattered! :-)

I'm so sorry I haven't blogged in like eight years. I just started this new retail job. I'm working customer service at Kohl's.

Kohl's, by the way, is an amazing store. It really, really is. I absolutely love the store, the products, the return policy, and especially my managers and coworkers. My store has the absolute most amazing group of people committed to the store, the customers, and most importantly, each other. I've made a couple friends here that I know I will have as friends for life.


The customers, however, are the dumbest, rudest, dishonest, confused, and disheartening group of people I've ever worked with.

Okay, that's not true. Approximately 80% of the customers are not a problem. They're kind, they're patient, and they understand if something isn't going to work out quite how they expected or hoped. Of that 80%, 24% or so are downright amazing (20% of 100%). They laugh, they smile, they joke, sometimes they even help me do my job correctly. A good chunk of this 24% is made up of husbands who couldn't give less of a fuck about what happens, because "[they're] the patient, [I'm] the doctor," what happens happens, and they'll take what they can get. They're sent by their wives who they wish would just shut the fuck up. They're thrilled to be out of the house, and can't even believe how quick, easy, and painless it is to do returns at Kohl's. I love husbands!

But for every easy-to-please husband and jovial middle-aged housewife, we have a horrible customer. That last 20% of people are horrible, horrible people.
It's the woman who, no matter how many times you explain it to her, insists that she get the full return price of the item, despite getting a 30% discount of her original purchase.
It's the Indian woman (I'm sorry, they always are) who buys a bunch of items with a gift card and then tries to return them for cash, and gets upset when I have to return it as in-store credit.
It's the eighty-year old woman who comes in four times in the same week to scream at me about rebates and credit fraud, accepting no answer as a correct answer despite having spoken to several managers.
It's the Indian man (I'm sorry, they always are) who wants to return receiptless, tagless, washed and worn pants purchased in 2003 that reek of curry and mothballs.
It's the 27 year old mother of two toddlers who returns clearly heavily worn shoes.
It's the 60 year old man who returns a watch that stopped working... a watch he purchased 25 years ago.

I'm not going to tell you if we were able to help these people or not, because I don't want you turning into them. It's very tempting to become a total asshole. The people behind the customer service desk are real people. We're real people with real lives... and quite frankly, we don't care about you. I know it's the harsh truth - we just don't care about you. Think about it - we're a corporation. We care about your money - of course we'll bend over backwards for you. We want to get paid. Of course, this "caring" trickles down to us, in customer service. We're trained to genuinely care about you, so that you keep coming back, and corporate headquarters can genuinely care about your money.

Me? I care. Everyone else at customer service cares too. That's the scary part - we really do. Who we care for, though, are the 80% that help make our day a little better. The 80% of you that understand that we're not your bitch, and that we are there to do our jobs the best we possibly can, we applaud you, and take care of you with all the enthusiasm we're able to muster. I feel bad when I've had a bad customer, and it's left me so discouraged that I can't great and treat you with proper enthusiasm and positivity. That happened to me today - after an onslaught of cruel customers clearly sent from Hades to make my day a living hell, we had a few customers who really were a delight to work with, but the most I could muster up was a half-hearted hello and a forged smile.

If you're one of those petty patrons out to be a downer on my day, don't. Stay at home - take out your soreness and spite on some other soul, but leave mine out of it. My job entails getting shit on for eight hours a day, I don't need your beef on top of it.


The next time you go into a retail place - JCPenny's, Macy's, Wal*Mart, Target, Kohl's, etc., I want you to do something for me. I want you to go to their customer service counter, and I want you to say:

"I just want to say that you're doing an amazing job. Keep your head up, okay?"

Sometimes, that's all we need to hear.

The Feathered Boa doesn't hurt...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gaywatch - Peter Vadala & William Phillips
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

This clip made me cry.

Why, you ask? It's clearly meant to be quite humorous.

Well let me tell you something.

When I was a ten year old boy, being pushed around and called a "Gaywad", I would have done anything to have a huge man like Mick Foley threaten my classmates. This little boy has the media on his side because he stood up for something that doesn't even affect him - I, on the other hand, hid from the bullying and cried and let it tear me down.

Basically, in this clip from the Daily Show, Jon Stewart and Mick Foley, two grown, adult, straight males, not only defend gay rights, but also take a stand against bullying of any sort.

This is definitely cry-worthy.

(Sorry for the horrible formatting around the video - whatever embedding code the video provides is fucked six ways to sunday, so I had to go back to the source code from the original page where I found the video, and poke around until I found the right code.)

Sweet Dreams are made of This

So the Dream Roundup from last night is one of the most interesting ones in a while - I can't cover the whole thing on Twitter or Facebook alone, so it gets it's own blog post.

In the first dream, I'd taken up Customer Service at Target, which was apparently around the corner from my house. As this dream progressed, it seamlessly turned from Target into an Adoption agency. I dunno. But anyways, I was late coming back from one of my breaks because Ali and I went to the local yard sales to buy Christmas cards. I had to write out a handwritten apology to management for coming back so late.

This was not the stranger dream.

I only remember about the second half of dream two. I think I was doing something interplanetary, I'm not sure, but I eventually got an invitation to use a warp hole thingie to go to another planet - but in order to do so, I had to pass through the ring with a mind clear of thought. No problem. I think I've been to this planet in another dream though, because I have a memory of going there and realizing the inhabitants were delicious and eating a bunch of them. It's not my fault that some of their species are made of Sloppy Joes! (for you Canadian/other types of international readers, just Wikipedia it.) So this time when I went down, I promised I'd abide by their vegetarian lifestyle for the duration of my stay... though I did bring a turkey sandwich that I ate, but at least it was an earth animal and not one of them.
So, after a song and dance routine (yes, we had a song and dance routine, and yes, I embarrassingly forgot some of the words) I learned that these delicious aliens were about to be attacked by a different tribe of non-delicious aliens. A non-delicious alien named Zoltar had come to let us know, and wanted to be on our side. I offered to help in this fight, since Zoltar's race of people were about a foot tall, and I could just kick them really far.
Well, it turned out to be even easier, because the delicious aliens used toothpicks with marshmallows on the ends as weapons, and the non-delicious aliens are apparently susceptible to this.
So, after some adorable marshmallow pokes and a barrage of kicking, we determined that it was time for me to go home. I offered for some of the delicious aliens to come with me, but the second we arrived back on earth at Scotland's interplanetary airport, he was eaten up. ...whoops.


I have such strange freakin' dreams, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm clearly having more fun while sleeping than most people! :-)

Heteronormative

So I think there's this big misconception that gay guys either hate straight men or want to fuck them.

That's not 100% true, but there is an aspect of truth to it.

You see, gay men and women don't make fun of us for being gay. For the most part, straight women don't either. Straight men, however, are generally the ones making fun of gay people for being gay. Sure, not all of you do it, but it's still members of your population. It'd be like if only some bears eat people, but you're never sure which bears eat people, or which will say they don't eat people to your face but then have a people-roast behind your back when hanging out with other bears.

Maybe I shouldn't have used "Bears," I might have just made that paragraph really confusing.

"But you're taking out specific frustrations on the whole of a population" a straight person may say. We all do it, it's nature. It's conditioning. I had a black teacher once who told me that she legit has a phobia of white men in business suits because one time, she got fired by three of them for being "too ambitious." (Frankly, I think they were just trying to let her down easy - this woman was dumb az.) There was a man that once brought a gun into a gay bar and killed a good chunk of the patrons. Why? His last name was "Gay", and because of how the term is used today, all of his sons changed their last name, which upset this man to the point that he shot up a gay bar. Because, you know, it's our fault. (Personally, I very rarely say I'm "Gay" - I say "I like guys" or "I'm into dudes," something like that, unless people are very confused. Yes, people get confused. "So wait... you're bi?" "...no, like all-the-way gay." "Really?" "...yes? You... didn't know?" "...huh. no, I guess not." Some people can tell from a mile away, some have no idea. Maybe those people just think I'm weird.)

And about gay guys having this obsession with wanting to fuck a straight guy?
Don't get me wrong, I've crushed on a few of my straight friends - but not because they're straight. It's because of who they are. I like their personalities, or I think they're really pretty. It's sort of like the concept that men and women can't be friends because that sexual attraction will always be there - except you can think of it more like a straight guy being friends with an ugly chick. Sure, she may be attracted to him, but he'll never be into her so you just don't worry about it. Now, there are some gay men that feel that all straight guys are just closet cases just dying to come out, but trust me, it's all just wishful thinking. (Bee tee dubs, I am not one of those guys.) However, you can see why we're sometimes hesitant to get close to a straight guy - we don't want to fall for you and know we'll get rejected before we even think of making a move.

So, straight guys - we don't hate you! ...we just find you kind of intimidating. We don't know if you'll hate on us or if we'll fall in love with you. But for the most part, we don't always know what to talk about with you guys. I don't know if I'm supposed to stifle how gay I am, if I can talk about guys I like or ex-boyfriends or celebs I think are attractive. I can talk about this stuff with my girl friends, but I always have this nagging thought of "does this maybe actually gross him out?"
Because you see, in a heteronormative society, talking about guys you think are hot is "flaunting [our] homosexuality in [your] faces." If we kiss in public, it's flaunting our gayness. Holding hands. Buying the Rent special edition DVD. Ordering a vodka cranberry. It's all flaunting our gayness.
Of course, chances are, if you're a straight guy and reading this blog on purpose, then you probably don't feel that way at all, however there is a large faction of the country that does.

Do you wanna know what it's like being in our world though?

I was at a bar the other night with a friend of mine who also likes guys. This was not in any sense of the word, a gay bar. Let me show you a picture I took on my shitty phone!

Who's flaunting what-now? Yes, those are LED stripper poles. Yes, that's five drunk girls and what appears to be an alien with a glow-stick necklace. Mind you, my favorite bar band Go Go Gadjet was playing, which is the main reason I was at this bar in the first place... but this was drunk couple was flaunting their heterosexuality all up in my face. Of course by that I mean they were heavily making out, knocking into everyone around them, especially me, and nearly knocked me in the face with a beer bottle. They were so on top of me it might have been considered a threesome in some cultures. Later, they did this awkward to-the-floor back-bend makeout thing. Luckily, all the straight people around me were just as "WTF???" as I was. Yet here I was, making sure not to dance too much in order not to flaunt my homosexuality. When Go Go Gadjet started playing a few familiar chords, they said "We'd like to apologize to you if you have a penis. I mean, don't get us wrong, we love having penises. But if you have a penis, you will hate us." As they sang Party in the USA, they changed a few words around. Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, it's a Party in the USA. Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah, this song makes me feel gay. I'm sure they didn't mean to offend anyone... they probably don't know that me, their biggest fan, is gay. ...then again, I sang along to the whole thing... so maybe they do know. Not the point. The point is that heterosexuality is constantly flaunted in our faces, so people can stop pretending like they're innocent.

I can't count the number of times I've heard "I don't care what you do or who you are, as long as you don't do it around me." What the hell kind of an attitude is that? I'll tell you what. That's the face of tolerance, people. Yes, I'm serious - that's "tolerance". Can you imagine telling a straight guy that he can't ever talk about girls or football in front of me, but I don't care what he does at home?

Long story short, there's a reason that sometimes we're a little awkward around you guys. Society has taught us that we're kinda supposed to fear or respect you or something. We're taught that Heterosexuality is superior to Homosexuality, and therefore we should be humbled to even be allowed in your presence. Granted, there's a good chance you don't actually feel that way... but that doesn't mean it's not ingrained in our heads.

Passive-Aggression 101

My new goal is to be a complete dick on facebook.





Oh man, I wish I could take credit for that one, but Tyler beat me to it.
(Britni is a big girl, so this is hysterical.)

Okay, so I'm a total dick. But I'm sorry, if people are going to do stupid shit on facebook, isn't it only fair for people to call them out on it? seriously.

Dating Advice:

Girls: He just might be out of your league. Don't bother.

Guys: Let women figure out why they won't sleep with you, don't do it for them.

Gay Men and Women: You guys are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Make better decisions.

::edit::

okay so I know I posted this five seconds ago, but I realized it might maybe make me sound like a dick.
...which I kind of am.
But I'm like a really nice dick, wrapped up in a tortilla of awesome.

So let me elaborate.

I've had the misfortune in high school of having some very unfortunate looking girls tell me about their crushes on football players. I mean really unfortunate looking. I was president of the japanese club. Trust me on this one.

They'd ask them out, and be bitterly upset when rejected. And their friends just let them do it. Shouldn't they know better? I mean nothing against the unfortunate girls, y'all can't control it... but don't go for football players! You should probably know better.

I remember one time, my friend Sherry* gave this girl Megatron* my screenname.
(*names changed)

Megatron wanted to let me know that she was into me. And by "into me" I mean "repeatedly tell me I was sexy".

Megatron was one of these unfortunate looking girls. Granted, I'm not the most fortunate looking guy on the planet, but really? Not only that, but Sherry knew that I was gay. Why didn't she let Megatron know? Why do girls constantly egg each other on, allowing them to ask out people that are way out of their leagues. It just sets them up for heartache. Isn't that was the movie He's Just not that into You was about? Stop it. Get real!

Next, I've seen a lot of guys give up on a girl in five seconds flat. And I don't mean out-of-their-league girls, I mean they would actually probably work out pretty well. Of course, I'm not talking about your typical bro who thinks he can get every girl, there's a good chance that my male friends have a lot less gumption than your male friends.

As for my gay friends of which I do not have many of, and yes, I'm including myself, I feel like we have this talent of combining all these problems into one huge lump of stupid. That bit of dating advice was as much for myself as anyone else.
We all assume that everyone is out of our leagues, yet we fall for them anyway. We ask out people that totally suck and ignore guys that could potentially be way into us. Because we're stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid.