tl;dr

I need a guy who thinks it's cute that I drink everything with a straw.
I need a guy who doesn't mind that I'll tell him the same story a hundred times.
I need a guy who understands that sometimes, my jaw hurts. (I have TMJ disorder.)
I need a guy who doesn't judge how much Red Bull I drink (with a straw, naturally.)
I need a guy who doesn't want to push me into doing things I don't want to do.
I need a guy who understands that I describe smells by color.
I need a guy who smells a little bit red, but more like a light, rich red.
I need a guy who understands that I need space as much as I need to be cuddled to death.
I need a guy who isn't scared off by my friends.
I need a guy who doesn't like my friends more than me.
I need a guy who doesn't judge the fact that I have about fifteen blue plaid/checkered shirts.
I need a guy who likes the random little gifts I'll get for him.
I need a guy who understands that just because I listen to a lot of acoustic music, it doesn't mean I'm depressed.
I need a guy who understands the difference between Sad Alex and Tired Alex.
I need a guy who doesn't ask me 500 times if I'm "okay," he understands the first time.
I need a guy who doesn't mind that I'm a little bit messy. ...okay, a lotta bit messy.
I need a guy who understands that some things, no matter how nonsensical, are incredibly important to me.
I need a guy who doesn't mind when I don't shave my face for a few days.
I need a guy who can remember that I don't eat Olives or Fish.
I need a guy who understands that I'm not picky, I just know my likes and dislikes very well.
I need a guy who doesn't mind me blasting my music as loud as I possibly can.
I need a guy who understands that sometimes, I'm going to dance around the kitchen singing.
I need a guy who understands that when I stumble in drunk, he'd better be making me Hamburger Helper.


Did you notice something about that list? It's all about me. I didn't even specify if I want him to be taller or shorter than me. I clearly don't give two shits about him, it's all about me. My fucking God I'm egocentric, self-centered, and selfish. Christ, even my banner is just pictures of me being some kind of attractive. That list there could apply to any guy. Let me rephrase that list.

I need a guy who tolerates my total bullshit.

But you know what? I think it's because I'm confident in the fact that I can make him very, very happy. I'm good at making guys happy... but considering that for the most part I date horrible, horrible people, it's not surprising that my list is all about him paying attention to me and understanding me and loving me for who I am, not who he wants me to be. I make a wonderful boyfriend.... it's just a matter of finding someone who wants to be my wonderful boyfriend. I haven't had that happen in a long time. Everytime I get close, something goes wrong. My last boyfriend wouldn't even admit that he was my boyfriend. We were having sex, being exclusive, talking to each other every night.... but it doesn't matter, because he broke up with me. Why? Because for some reason, he didn't like a single thing about me. Long story short, he's a pretentious art-school kid and I grew up on MTV. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make him happy, and let's be real - the "tortured soul" thing went out with Kurt Cobain. People want intelligent, moral, healthy individuals nowadays... or at least skinny. Well, I may not be skinny, but I'm intelligent, moral, and emotionally healthy. And yet I'm still single. The only guys I seem to do any sort of relating with are my less masculine straight friends. They all tell me that, if they were into dudes, they'd date the fuck out of me because I'm balls-to-the-wall awesome. I've had straight guys tell me that they wish they could find a girl version of me, that I just don't have the right naughty bits to make things work. But alas, that's neither here nor there, because they won't date me because they can't love me. It's understandable.

The worst part is, there's been a few times where I've been dating totally quality guys, and for some reason, I just can't get into them. I was briefly seeing this guy Anthony a few years ago, and honestly, he's probably one of the nicest guys I've ever dated. I really enjoyed being with him... but for some reason, I just couldn't get into it any more than that. For some reason that I still don't understand, that chemistry just wasn't there. We actually tried again this past fall, hanging out and hooking up again. I actually really enjoyed it and having him around... but there was still something lacking in the chemistry (although less so than before.) He's an even sweeter guy nowadays.
He's got an awesome boyfriend now though, so I know nothing's gonna happen with me and Anthony for a while. Even though I'm kinda starting to miss him a lot, I know that the second we start hanging out / hooking up again, I still won't feel that chemistry enough, and at this point I've probably broken his heart so many times that he wouldn't be my boyfriend even if I begged. Something about our chemistry or pheromones or something just refuses to click on my end, and it's such a shame, since he's such a killer guy. I hope that I'm friends with him for a long fucking time though.

This isn't a case of Unrequited Love Addiction, though. I've been in love, I've been in mutual relationships... I think I'm just unlucky. Guys I want just plain aren't into me... and I'm into guys a lot more often than guys are into me (and generally, the guys that are into me either don't tell me, or they're just really not people I should be dating.)

I just feel like I'm ready to be in love again, and I can't understand why it's not happening. It doesn't help that all of my friends seem to be falling into place with someone now. I, on the other hand, am perpetually single. It's just apparently what I do.

Gyar. One day. One day.

Bad Romace

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Less Than Three

I guess I'm going to do a late-night rant every night.
Except I'll probably forget tomorrow.

Hokay.

Love.

Before I start this, let me inform you that I am filled with headache and sleep deprivation, so that's going to be a large part of what fuels this rant. For being unemployed, I've had a horrendously long day.

So.

Love.

I've always been a firm believer in trusting everyone. I believe it was on this very blog that I came up with the phrase "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you're a total dick for breaking my trust. Asshole." ...or something like that.
I feel very similar when it comes to love. As a human being, I know that I have infinite capacity for love... but love doesn't just mean "oh brb we're getting married" kind of love. Love has many, many levels. There's love for a boyf/girlf, love for a spouse, love for a friend, love for a best friend, love for family, love for someone you had a class with and like what they say, love for someone you've never even met but have had a few awesome tweet-conversations with...

There's so many different levels of love.
I've had a few friends in the past get really upset with me, though.
"Well, you say you love me, but you also say you love so-and-so, and you also say you love so-and-so..."
It's honestly just an expression that I use.
"Well then how am I supposed to know?"
...you don't have to know. Focus on you, not those around me.

I literally had a roommate/friend once who wanted me to rank my friends. I basically told her to fuck off. ...we're not friends anymore.

Why is this such a hard concept for people to get though? I mean, I understand people don't get it, so I try to warn people ahead of time. "Listen, I tend to throw the phrase 'I love you' around a lot, so trust me when I say I mean nothing creepy by it." And no, it doesn't mean anything less the more I say it, it's not like you can get habituated to love like it's ibuprofin or pain or something. It's not like when you wear the same cologne for a while you can no longer smell it... it's love. It's sorta like how pie will always be delicious no matter how many times you eat it, or how a kitten is always soft no matter how many times you pet it, or how lard will always make you fat. ...speaking of which, I could really go for some food right now...

I'd like to quote the nations number one poet when I say "Where is the Love?" Yes, of course I'm referring to will.I.am of the Black Eyed Peas, writers of literary and aural masterpieces such as "Don't Phunk With My Heart", "My Humps", "Fergalicious", and "I Got It From My Mama".
Does he not have a point though? I see nothing wrong with spreading my love around. Maybe that's why I give such great hugs - I'm not afraid to hold back.

Didn't we learn anything from Barney? "I Love You, You Love Me, We're a Happy Family! With a GREAT BIG HUG, and a kiss from me to you! Won't you say you love me too?" C'mon, we're a bunch of weirdos raised on Barney, the least we could do is start fucking acting like it.

So next time you get creeped out by me saying "I Love You," just remember I'm probably not out to wed you. Unless, of course, I am, in which case you'll know the difference. ...likely, because you'll be duct taped to a chair in my living room.

Goodnight!

can't stop, won't stop

So I think I'm gonna start doing this thing where I stay up late and start rambling on this blog. I find those to be the most fun I have posting... and as much as I love the people that read this, it's really more of a me thing (though I listen! If there's something you want me to write about, leave me an idea!)

I want to write about my future wedding.

Okay, yeah, I don't know who it's going to be with, nor do I know when, nor am I a groomzilla who needs everything done his way and is actually seriously talking wedding plan sans groom.

No, I'm just having fun here.

but really though.
let's talk about this shit.

So my wedding will take place on the beach. I've always loved the beach. It's so pretty, and sandy! I'll probably have to do a bunch of sit ups first and find a way to make waterproof formalwear, because once the "I do"'s have been said, we're going to run into the ocean and have our kiss. It will be big and romantic and we'll probably giggle through the whole thing... and then everyone will run into the water and join us! We'll have a regular party in the water for a little bit, while the crew sets up the dance floor, DJ, and bar on the sand. Myself and my groomsmen (and my husband, if he's into it) will get changed and get ready for the wedding dance. It'll start off all nice and traditional and beautiful until the music switches from a gorgeous pop ballad to hardcore hip hop. My groomsmen will launch out from behind the speakers, and we'll have a choreographed krump routine. Then, maybe, we'll switch it up to disco halfway though.

Then, we drink. We drink like fucking pros. We will drink so much that Tara Reid would say "...damn, son - you wanna slow down?"

...but I guess I have to fall in love first, huh?
Well, I can manage that. It's been a long time since I've been in love... but I think I know what the perfect relationship is supposed to be like...:

"She thinks I'm crazy.
Judging by the faces that she's making.
And I think she's pretty.
But pretty's just part of the things she does that amaze me.
And she calls me sweetheart.
I love it when she wakes me when it's still dark.
And she watches the sun.
But she's the only one I have my eyes on."
-The Maine, I Must Be Dreaming

"Lets turn the lights down low,
Turn the lights down, I got a movie
We can watch until you fall asleep on my chest
So tell me right now,
So tell me right now, is there any place
You’d rather be other than here, lets forget the rest
And I swear I swear when I first saw you
And talked to you, you’d give me purpose
With every single word you’d say
You took my breath away

I am so high I’m never coming down
Because you’re mine, and you’ve decided to stay around
And as time is taken away, you stay the same, you stay the same
You stay here with me"
-The Follow Through, So High

Yeah, I think I've got it. So where is my mystery man?
Well, I've waited 22 long years to find him... okay, well 6 years if we're only counting from when I came out at 16, but still... I'm patient. Considering I'm looking for the dork I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with, I can be patient. Try a few guys out. Figure it out the hard way. I'm sure as hell not desperate, and I'm not going to fall for the first pair of pretty eyes that bats their lashes at me (...what??) while I don't have the highest self-esteem, I do respect myself and always will. ...it's cause I'm bamf.

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah.

I also want a moon bounce at my wedding.

And I will DJ my wedding. And it will be fantastic. because I'm amazing. My fiance/husband better love my playlist, or I'll killbill his ass.

Gimme your milk money!

I'm about to get deeper with you guys than I ever have. Generally with this blog, I pump out a post in twenty minutes... but this one strikes really, really close to home, so I'm going to try and take my time and be really delicate with this.

Before continuing reading, please watch the entirety of the video.

Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover.

No, you've never heard of him before that video.
And thanks to the students at his school, we never will again.

Eleven year old Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover took his own life at the age of eleven.

Assuming you watched the video, you know that Carl was bullied heavily in school. You know that he was bullied for being gay. You know he didn't identify as gay, or straight, because he was just a child. You know that his school did nothing to protect him. His school ignored his bullying, called it "typical".


I hate to pull a Madonna, but I, too, was bullied extensively. My school also did nothing to fight it. My mother, also, called the school constantly, met with principals. I, too, faced bullying from peers and teachers. I, too, was called Fairy. Daisy. Gay. Fag. I had my things vandalized. I had my lunch stolen. I got beat up, tittie twistered, indian burned, punched, kicked, made fun of, harassed. I had teachers refuse to listen to me. I had administrators pretend like there was nothing wrong. I had the school's guidance counselor ignore my cries for help. By the age of 9, fourth grade, I prayed every night that God would just kill me so I didn't have to go to school anymore. By the age of 9, I was crying myself to sleep every night because the lord wouldn't end my life.

I'm glad that God, if he exists, had very different plans for me. If he doesn't exist, then I'm glad I rose above bullying survived.


Many psychologists say that the self-esteem and body image you have as a child will stick with you your entire life. My self-esteem and body image are, of course, shot. My life was, effectively, ruined by childhood bullying. Sure, I rose above it; for the most part. I'm pretty extroverted, I'm happy, I smile a lot, I have a great sense of humor... but I will always fear people will abandon me, that no one will ever love me, that I'm fat, stupid, useless, worthless, and that I'll die alone - because that's what I was told in elementary school. I know that's wrong, but I only know it superficially. Deep inside, I'll always have this issue. I should have been in therapy a long time ago, but what my mom decided was adjusting was actually depression. I wasn't playing in my room all day, I was hiding. I wasn't happy, I just didn't know how to cry anymore. I got better at pretending to be okay when in reality, I wasn't a-oh-fucking-kay.

I'm not the only person I know who's been this deeply affected by childhood bullying. One of my closest friends was bullied even longer than I was. She didn't get a chance to hide in middle school and reinvent herself for high school... I was lucky that I had 3,000 kids in my high school. She had the same kids from first grade on. This friend of mine didn't have friends until she got to college. Like me, she's still constantly afraid. Constantly worried. And, little does she know, constantly Strong. She's one of the strongest bullying victim I've ever met - I see her still struggling with it, and what makes her strong is that she honestly doesn't know if she's going to pull through it... but that doesn't mean she's going to give up. I know she's going to be okay, and I will do everything in my power to help her through it.

One of my twitter friends is older than me, and went through the same abuse throughout his childhood. He went through years and years of therapy and takes 8 pills a day just to manage. Myself and my two friends are not just victims of bullying, but we're Survivors. And we're not the only ones. Unfortunately, we're not all lucky enough to be survivors. Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover was not lucky enough to survive bullying.

Bullying does not end in the classroom. Survivors take it with them the rest of our lives. I don't know any statistics to this, but I'll bet you anything we're more likely to be victims of domestic abuse, more likely to receive bullying in the work place, and more likely to let others take advantage of us. It's learned helplessness, and it's scary.

Bullying is a social cancer. It affects everyone. Everyone either was bullied, knows someone who was bullied, or bullied someone. Maybe you witnessed it in your school or workplace and chose to ignore it. Maybe you walked past the kid getting swirlies. Maybe you were holding that kid up by his ankles. Maybe you know what toilet water tastes like. Maybe you've drank coffee that your coworker makes your other coworker buy everyday with their own money. Maybe you make a coworker buy you and your friends coffee everyday. Maybe you spend $30 at Starbucks every single day when you don't drink coffee. You know it. You see it. You taste it. You do it. It touches all of us.

Please, don't let one more person end up like Carl. He deserved to live a full, long life full of hope and meaning. I applaud his mother for standing up for her son, and taking this as far as it can. My hope is that one day, school and work officials will finally recognize the impact bullying can take on a person. One day, parents, teachers, and coworkers will band together to fight the fight and end bullying in their classrooms, their playgrounds, their schoolyards, their churches, their organizations. No more victims. No more kids hanging themselves like Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover.

Every time I watch that video, I cry.
I cry.

Sex Is Not the Enemy

SEX.

There, I said it. SEX.

And you know what? Religious wingnuts and Conservatives? They're obsessed.

There, I said it. OBSESSED.

Oh, no, this is fact. Just listen to how they speak. The signs they hold. The beliefs they stay strong to.

Sen. Tom Coburn's (R-OK) Chief of Staff recently made the claim that "All Pornography is Homosexual Pornography."

He claims that watching pornography makes you turn your sexual desires inward, making one gay.

Let me tell you something - I have only met a small number of people who don't watch porn. There's a reason the industry is huge. Granted, Gay porn makes up a stronger faction of the industry than the representative population, but a large chunk of that is likely because there are less opportunities for gay men to meet each other outside of the club and manhunt.

My point is, when it comes to gay people, why is it always the sex that's the big issue? For the longest time, being gay wasn't illegal, but having gaysex was.



















It's always the sex. (also, that guy is my hero.) The problem is that when these homophobic conservative/religinazis think of "homosexual", they only hear "sexual", and that's what goes against their religion. Imagine if, when they thought of gay people, this was the image...:

...I think they'd have a different view on homosexuality. Ironically, the site that I got the photo from a website called homosin.com - Read this paragraph from the site:

"Some call homosexuality a "lifestyle". But is it though? Are homosexuals generally happy ("gay") or are they sad? The fact is that homosexuals have a very high rate of suicide. No, the sexual perversion of homosexuality is really a "death-style". Perhaps you are offended that homosexuals are called sex perverts. But actually, homosexuality is by definition a sexual perversion and so the term "sex pervert" is a correct term to use in describing a homosexual's perversion of the normal sexual relationship into one that is "against nature"."

By very nature, there is a lack of understanding in this community. I shouldn't have to tell you guys that a) We certainly don't call it a "lifestyle." Lifestyle indicates that "Homosexuality" is something we do on the weekends, like people who lead an "active lifestyle". b) Homosexuality is not, by definition, a "sexual perversion" - the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and the American Association of Social Workers (to name a few) have all denounced the idea of Homosexuality being a mental disorder or perversion, and find Homosexual Reparative Therapy deplorable. That "High Rate of Suicide" may or may not be true, but the ones that kill themselves are often the ones in situation where the people they love won't accept them for who they are. My favorite part is the way they act like if you look up the term "Homosexual" in Webster's dictionary or Encyclopedia Brittanica, it'll read

ho⋅mo⋅sex⋅u⋅al

  /ˌhoʊməˈsɛkʃuəl or, especially Brit., -ˈsɛksyu-/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hoh-muh-sek-shoo-uhl or, especially Brit., -seks-yoo-] Show IPA

–adjective

1.	total sex pervert.

2.	against nature, God.

–noun

3.

faggot.

Fun fact - that's definitely not what the dictionary, encyclopedia, media, APA, or even Bible say.

Personally, I think it's very clear. These people are Sexually repressed. They want to have sex so bad that they take it out on us.

A lot of studies have been done that show that homophobic people are almost always sexually aroused by gay porn. I don't know how fair those studies are, considering erections are technically a reflex, and they may be a reflex to their anger for having to watch HOMOSEX.

Frankly, I think it's jealousy that we have sex. I mean, let's face it - how many gay men have you met that are waiting until marriage?

...but wait. Is that because we're gay? Alright, let's try this again. a) how many straight males do you know that are waiting until marriage to have sex? See, before I realized I was gay, that's what I used to tell people. "No, I'm just waiting until marriage." "...so what are you, gay?" "What? NO! I'm not gay, just Christian!" "...so, gay, right?"
So how many actually straight males are waiting until marriage? A whole lot fewer than the religious right wants to think. Basically, it's just The Jonas Brothers. Hey, isn't one of them getting married soon at the ripe old age of 21? Man, that's the right time for an emotionally immature Disney Pop sensation to get married and start a family, right? OH COME THE FUCK ON, HE'S GETTING MARRIED SO THEY CAN SEX!!! God DAMMIT, how see through can you get!
...
Sorry. *breathes* I'm okay, I'm okay.
Point is, guys are horny. Guys are horny as fuck. When you have two guys... well, they're gonna do it a lot sooner than a guy and a girl. (Don't get me wrong, girls are horny as fuck too - but in general, they want the guy to stick around, so they're not gonna fuck around too much. ...again, this is a general rule that does not apply to every girl. Especially not some of my friends....)

The other point is b) we can only get married in a few states. We can't exactly wait to have sex until we're married, can we? Not that many of us would, because just like our straight counterparts, we know that sex is freakin' awesome. If we weren't supposed to do it, then why did God make it so damn awesome? Darwin knows that we're supposed to do it, that's how Evolution works. We're supposed to wanna do it all day long until we die. That's life, baby. NO BABIES DO NOT WANT sorry I got scared for a second. *breathes*

So, uh yeah, long story short, the religious right can't have sex, and if they can't have sex then neither can we.

My number one beef with the religious right is the fact that they refuse to do any actual research. They make wild accusations and then defend it saying that you can't argue with God. Guess what - in a court of Law, God doesn't stand up all that well. Isn't that how religion works though? If you don't understand it, it must be an act of God? If you hate it, God must hate it too? Blind Faith? I'm not atheist, but I'm not particularly religious, either. Like... religion would be great if it didn't conflict with every bit of evidence. I'm a very scientific person, and as we all know, Religion and Science are Oil and Water. They don't mix, but while we need water more, oil somehow always ends up on top.

Point being, while it's not necessarily mandated, we do have a separation of Church and State in this country, and even if the Religious Right doesn't understand us and refuses to accept us, we do, as tax-paying citizens, have the absolute right to be free and get married. "Oh, but then men can marry dogs and shit!" Okay, I've already blogged about that, so I don't have to go into it again. Point being, I'm getting really sick of the uninformed and overrepresented deciding how to run my relatively mainstream life.

There are some studies that suggest that the more education you receive, the more liberal you become.

::edit:: I realized that I ended up on about sixteen different tangents and never got to my point. See, when I write these, I just write and write and write, do brief editing, and hit publish. All in all, it takes no more than half an hour, even for the longest posts.

The point I was trying to get to is that if the religious right would stop only caring about sex and realized that it isn't HOMOSEX we're fighting for, it's HOMOLOVE. They say that marriage is the ultimate commitment of love, so denying the GLBT community the right to get married is the same as saying we're incapable of love - and I've had my heart broken enough times to know that's far from the case. The religious right and anti-gay community lack love in their hearts, and therefore will never truly find the love of their greater power. Sure, we may have Sex on the brain, but most of us have Love on the brain, too. In the end, Love is the source of energy that fuels eye lazorz conquers all. Fear and hatemongering... actually, those things to a pretty good job. Love will always win though, as long as people like me still exist and want to keep love alive. ...join me?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Real quick, before I end this, I'd like to point out two things I learned recently.

1. When Bill Clinton signed DOMA, he actually did so to protect marriage. He knew that a bill was coming in soon that would completely ban gay marriage at a federal level, so that no states could allow it like Massachusetts. DOMA essentially took away Federal Government's ability to tell the states "No." Clinton knew he wouldn't be able to stop this marriage-banning bill, so he signed Defense of Marriage Act as a lesser-of-two-evils situation.

2. A long while back, President George Bush Jr. was to be giving some kind of a speech, and in it were supposed to be some pretty heavy things against homosexuality. He refused to use those parts of the speech, saying "I'm not gonna tell some gay kid in the audience he can't get married." There are such things as Compassionate Conservatives, and while not saying "no" isn't the same as saying "yes", it's better than... well... saying "no."

Gay Rights PSA's

As any frequent reader knows (by frequent reader I of course mean "myself," because I'm narcissistic and read my own blog constantly) I am extraordinarily pro-gay rights. Being gay kinda helps with that, but if I was born straight I feel like I'd feel very similarly. A majority of my life experiences have nothing to do with how gay I am (but that's for another blog.)

I spend a lot of time on youtube (which is the greatest invention for the unemployed, let me tell you!) and I've compiled some of the best pro-gay/equal rights ads I've seen.