Standards of Disappointment

On Wednesday, my mother went to a family reunion dealy at my Aunt Peggy's. If you know me, chances are you know I'm not much of a "family" kinda guy, so I of course didn't go.
My mom's cousin Joey was up from Miami with his wife and his 11-year old daughter, Joyce.
The last time I saw Joyce, I was around 11 or so myself. I apparently played peek-a-boo with Infant Joyce for a long, long time, and they have the most adorable video of it.
Apparently, Joey is really upset that I wasn't at the reunion, because apparently "Joyce really wants to see me."
What they don't know is that I've grown up and I really, really don't like kids. I like extended family even less. I guess the idea that we're supposed to act like we're hella tight with these people that are in reality more like strangers is just beyond me.
Here's the extend of what I know about Joey and his family:
1.He's my mother's cousin.
2. His wife is from that country that got hit by a tsunami a few years back and wiped a lot of it out. (for those yelling the name of the country at their monitor and calling me an idiot, I'm really geographically retarded. I've just never been good at it. I couldn't even name all fifty states without a map, and even then it's iffy. It's just one of those things my brain can't do.)
3. They live in Miami (I just learned that ten minutes ago)
4. They have an 11 year old daughter, Joyce.

Apparently, this video of me playing with peek-a-boo with baby Joyce is a favorite in their household. They love it so much. Do I remember it? ...vaguely, and probably only because it's been mentioned a few times across the years.

Well cousin Joey and family are stopping off at my grandmother's before they go back down to Miami, and really want to see me. They want to see me. Joyce wants to see me. Just one more peek-a-boo, for old time's sake.


I'm not going.

Why? Because deep inside, they don't want to see me. They want to see 11 year old, 3'9" Alex climb out of the car, and in his tiny, tiny voice, say "Peek-a-boo!" Joyce doesn't want to see me. In the video, she sees 11 year old Alex, and she sees someone she could be friends with. They could play. They can run around now, now that she's not an infant. They can play on swings and run in the woods. She and 11 year old Alex can have a blast.

But that's not me anymore.

I'm 22. I'm two feet taller, I've probably tripled and then some in weight. My voice is deep now. I've got acne.
The Alex they want to see isn't the Alex they'll get.
They'll be disappointed. They'll be sad. And the image will be ruined. This cute, adorable, perfect version of me will be shattered... and that's not what they want.
Sure, they'll head back to Miami, disappointed they didn't get to see me...
but if they had seen me, they'd be even more disappointed.

So I'm going to let them continue to watch the home video of 11 year old Alex, and let their minds play with that. I don't even know if there are any home videos of me other than that one, so it's not even my memory to play with. There's no possible way I can live up to the standards that Joey and his family have set up for me... so it's honestly better that I don't show up at all.

A not-so-silly post...

Today, my father yelled at me because I "have no direction, no future" because I have no job and still live at home. I just graduated college in May and have been out of a job for a week. FML.

I am getting really sick and tired of being treated like I've done something wrong. Out of his four kids, I'm the best one, hands down, but apparently I've "treated [them] like shit since [I] was fifteen."
Nevermind his two daughters from his prior marriage that only speak to him when it's their kids birthdays. Nevermind that Railyn had her first kid at sixteen, then proceeded to have four more by two different daddies. Nevermind that Natalie was pregnant at both of her big, white weddings. Ironically, Natalie is the only family member that's told me she's proud of me; actually, she's the only one that seems to show interest in what I'm doing - and that was just from one simple facebook message. When Railyn messages me, it feels like she's trying to use me to extort sympathy from my dad, so that she can get to him.
My family's pretty fucked up.
Then theres my younger brother. I constantly get from my mother, "well we have no money to send Chris to school," indicating it's my fault that Chris won't be going to a four-year-college in the fall. Nevermind the fact that his high school had to fudge his grades so he'd graduate. Oh no, it's my fault Chris is kinda-sorta going to community college without a major. Completely my fault.
I feel like I'm the only person that didn't just "go-with-the-flow." Mom got her degree in Physical Education which she never used, she just kept working at her father's gym. Dad got his associates in Civil Engineering - because that's what every kid wants to do when they grow up. Natalie never went to college and Railyn got her G.E.D. I actually followed my dreams - went to my dream college, got a degree in a subject that truly interests me... I don't think I did too bad.

And how do I treat my family like shit? I mean honestly, in comparison to the other kids, I'm the least high maintenance. For starters, he never had to pay Child Support for me. I've never once asked him to get Christmas Presents for my kids- OH WAIT. I had the decency not to knock anyone up (not that it would happen to me by accident... but that's not the point.) Yeah, I may not do much around the house, but I'm pretty low-impact. I don't leave my room for the most part.
And don't try and say "well maybe that's part of it." Growing up, we didn't have "family time." We had "Dad watches TV and we watch whatever Dad's watching" time. My family never wanted "family time." Quite frankly, we're not a family, and this isn't a home. We're four people that hate each other stuck in the same house.

Dad's been pretty clear for a long time that he wants us out of the house. Even when we got rid of a bunch of furniture because we were getting new stuff, he said "Susie, we should keep it like this." "Ray... there's only two chairs." "I know."
Everytime we turn around, he wants to kick us out for things like not taking out the trash. Yes, you read that correctly. Not taking out the trash is eviction-worthy.
But Mom knows that neither Chris nor I are financially stable, so she tells my dad "no, you can't kick the boys out."
So now he just threatens to leave her.


At this point, there are only two situations I see for my future family.
Either I will love them tremeandously and show my kids more love than they know what to do with...
Or I refuse to have a family, because I've seen how families can go wrong and I don't want my kids to suffer through that.
After today, the second one seems more likely.