Sunday, December 5, 2010

"The Creative Side of Alex"

I was cleaning my room the other night and found one of my old high school poetry journals.

Oh my God that's right I was an angsty 17 year old.

And you know what I learned?

There's a reason I was never a poet.

I'd like to take this moment to share with you some of the awful fucking poetry I wrote when I was 17.

I mean... It's so bad that I want to beat me up!

12.27.04 Halo

it's all gone
your halo that use to hide your inner self has faded
and now I see you for who you are
and underneath all of the flashy exterior
you're beautiful
my thoughts flow like waterfall
my rapids broke your facade into a million pieces
that no sticky tape can fix


you killed me inside
I hope you know that this pain won't leave
my scars open again
my stitched heart and stitched lip
have broken apart once again
no amount of muffins and band-aids can help
I'm gone for good.
I let you in, but you broke the gate down anyway
and now I'm in pieces on the ground
shattered from the impact of your oblivious heart

my heart was made into a smoothie
in the blender of your black eyes
can you see why I feel betrayed
you're a bad habit, like popping zits
and you've left unsightly scars all over my love
I've never wanted do die this much
can't you appreciate me?
just a little?

(I was a bit of a romantic though. It's nice to know that 17 year old Alex was still planning on being adorable and innocent forever.)

12.15.04 my plea

Please stars
grant my wish
give him to me.
I love him more than anyone else
can't you grant me this one wish?
There's nothing more I'd like to see
than he and I together
he's perfect - he may drink, smoke, etc
but nothing he does will change the fact that I love him
I shouldn't, I know, but I do! I barely know him
and yet
It feels I've known him forever
If you can do just this one
thing for me
Please, I need him
he will complete me
I've never felt better with anyone else
he makes me so happy
Please - give him to me
make him mine and no one else's
please, I need him more than air
Please stars
grant my wish
give him to me

12.15.04 my sonic love
I tried so hard to make you mine
I worked hard today to no avail
looks like more nights of hugging my pillow
instead of you
my sonic love

you've thought about it
just not with me
no matter what you do, you're perfect
my sonic love

you went to smoke
by the bay
and I watched
sighed in dismay
though you were beautiful,
you cared not for my love
maybe someday you'll see what you're missing
if it's not my lips you're kissing
your lips should belong to me
I'd even marry you
my sonic love

(Just so you guys can have some perspective, here's a semi-recent picture of the guy that I was head over heels for in 2004)

Now, back then he had a few less tats, a few less holes, and I'm assuming a few more baths...
but other than that, not much changed.


I was fucked up as shit.
I mean, I had to have been to write something like this:

10.26.04 a haiku

My breath smells awful
could it be something I ate?
This is really rank

But by far, the worst, worst one I wrote is as follows.

12.22.04 maybe
I've got to beat this
I've got to swim through these tears you've caused
my breaststroke sucks
I'm drowning in my own sadness
I hope you're happy
no amount of superglue will fix this broken heart you handed me
good job, mission complete
maybe I'm too good for your love
maybe I'm not good enough
maybe I just want to scream at myself
maybe I just need to scream at you
maybe I can just scream
maybe I can just cry
cry a tear for you
none will be shed for me
better not let them go to waste
I wouldn't want that
no, not for you.

Really? "my breastroke sucks?" What the fuck, man?

I hope you guys enjoyed that little journey down my memory lane. This was all from one semester of schooling my senior year. That's how freakin' miserable I was. I wrote 35 poems about this one guy in this one book alone. I was clearly a crazy person!

Bright side, I've learned a lot since this period in my life.

Now, when I'm obsessed with someone, I just facebook stalk them.