Monday, April 25, 2011

derp duh derp

I'll be the first to admit: I am not the brightest crayon in the box. Sharpest tool in the shed. Loudest mic on the stage. Shiniest star in the sky. ...etc.

But I am bright, and quite clever.

But lately, I keep feeling like... the stupid friend.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it was the nearly two years of not using my degree that I barely earned. Maybe it's watching my friends continue their schooling. Maybe it's the fact that half the time, I walk into a room and forget what I'm doing. Maybe it's the heavy alcohol use.

I often have trouble focusing. I frequently miss the simplest solution. I constantly pick the wrong answer.

Even writing this blog, I've been incredibly tempted to just to play a flash game or check twitter (again) or dick around on tumblr (some more.) I just don't feel like... actively thinking. I don't want to blog about politics. I don't want to defend a cause. I just want to eat pizza and flirt with boys.

So what am I doing wrong?

I'm watching my friends grow up and move on, and here I am pitifully stuck.

When I'm visiting my old collegiate roommates, they're having lives. They're not living at home. They're pursing love or intelligence. They're taking classes. They're engaging their universe.

At home, my friends may live with their parents, but they're still growing up. I'm the only single one left here. Some of them are still going to school. Those that aren't have jobs they enjoy, and have futures planned out.


I've nothing.
and that scares me.

I don't know when I'm going to be able to move out. I don't know what I'm capable of. I only finally just got a job that uses my psychology degree, but I still have to spend 20-30 hours a week working retail. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing, because I spend around $400 a month in my college loans, and another $100 in car insurance and gas.

I, of all people, should know that relationships and jobs and apartments shouldn't define a person, but I feel like I'm being held back. My brain is in a mature mindset, but nothing else is... which is fine, because half the time I can't even properly operate my car.

I guess what I'm saying is that right now, I'm just not proud of myself.