Occupy Adolescence

Last night, my mother gave me an interesting perspective on something. While she was growing up, girls were raised to be nothing more than a mother, wife and homemaker - "the ugly ones" became nurses and teachers. The didn't have to work hard in school or study, except in Home Economics. Girls were to go to their freshman year of college, strictly to get their "M.R.S.", if they hadn't already married their high school sweetheart. But then, the sexual, feminist, and educational revolution happened, and suddenly girls who've been skating through life were now expected to have goals and dreams and intelligence; strictly being a wife and mother went against the rules of feminism! And where that freed a lot of repressed girls who always wanted to pursue science, math, and medicine, it left a lot going "...what next?"

I think that explains a lot about our current generation. Our parents were the product of this sudden expectations of goals, which is why we were constantly told growing up that we needed to go to college to avoid working at the grocery store - because that's what society at the time told them. There were lots of people who, at the time, didn't expect to have to do anything harder than work at a grocery store because nothing more was expected of them. Now, when we shun these "low" jobs because they won't pay for our $40-120 grand in student debt, we're scorned, because back in their day, these were perfectly respectable jobs.

Our double standard stems from the expectations placed on them radically shifting from one decade to the next.

They were just as confused and scared as we are.

derp duh derp

I'll be the first to admit: I am not the brightest crayon in the box. Sharpest tool in the shed. Loudest mic on the stage. Shiniest star in the sky. ...etc.

But I am bright, and quite clever.

But lately, I keep feeling like... the stupid friend.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it was the nearly two years of not using my degree that I barely earned. Maybe it's watching my friends continue their schooling. Maybe it's the fact that half the time, I walk into a room and forget what I'm doing. Maybe it's the heavy alcohol use.

I often have trouble focusing. I frequently miss the simplest solution. I constantly pick the wrong answer.

Even writing this blog, I've been incredibly tempted to just to play a flash game or check twitter (again) or dick around on tumblr (some more.) I just don't feel like... actively thinking. I don't want to blog about politics. I don't want to defend a cause. I just want to eat pizza and flirt with boys.

So what am I doing wrong?

I'm watching my friends grow up and move on, and here I am pitifully stuck.

When I'm visiting my old collegiate roommates, they're having lives. They're not living at home. They're pursing love or intelligence. They're taking classes. They're engaging their universe.

At home, my friends may live with their parents, but they're still growing up. I'm the only single one left here. Some of them are still going to school. Those that aren't have jobs they enjoy, and have futures planned out.

Me?

I've nothing.
and that scares me.

I don't know when I'm going to be able to move out. I don't know what I'm capable of. I only finally just got a job that uses my psychology degree, but I still have to spend 20-30 hours a week working retail. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing, because I spend around $400 a month in my college loans, and another $100 in car insurance and gas.

I, of all people, should know that relationships and jobs and apartments shouldn't define a person, but I feel like I'm being held back. My brain is in a mature mindset, but nothing else is... which is fine, because half the time I can't even properly operate my car.

I guess what I'm saying is that right now, I'm just not proud of myself.