Monday, May 31, 2010

I Can Make Your Bed Rock

What if I fall for you?
...would you catch me in your noodle arms?
Would you never let me go?
Could I lay there in your weak arms like a first born?

If I feel insecure, will you tell me you love me?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me you need me?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me I'm skinny?
Even if I didn't believe you?
Will you tell me that I'm the only one?
Even if I didn't believe you?

When the world won't do, will you give me the rest?
'cuz I'd do it all for you.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Here Comes the Groom

I went to my friends wedding today, and let me tell you, it got me thinkin' about stuff.

For starters, the Groom from the last wedding I went to has had time to suffer a back injury, get addicted to pain meds, and die in a drug war gang shooting, and the bride has had time to remarry - so it's been about a week? Just kidding, it's been about eight or ten years since my last wedding, so I really had no idea what to expect. I pulled up to the place and saw a beautiful wedding set up down the hill from the reception hall, and a horse-drawn carriage. Naturally I assumed I was at the wrong place.
False. Definitely at the right place. Samantha had a horse-drawn carriage.
So clearly we're having a fairy-tale dream wedding. The sky was overcast but comfortable, flowers were falling from the trees, the wind was calm, and we were seated on the wrong side. That's right, they sat myself and five of our friends on the Groom's side. ...which is fine, because Alex is a total sweetheart. ...Speaking of Alex, where the hell is he? I thought, hoping that this wouldn't be a soap opera wedding. Finally the grinning groom emerges from behind his groomsmen and is escorted to the trellis. Sam is escorted from the carriage to the trellis by her father, looking beautiful. This was a picture from a storybook.

Then the Pastor opened his mouth.

Considering how formal and dreamy this whole scenario was, this Pastor didn't fit in one bit. Fairytale Wedding Officiators don't say "totally" every fifth sentence and make jokes about mommy still packing lunch. He ended up turning the whole thing into a whole big deal about the definition of a holy union and how they weren't two, they were three (the third being Jesus Christ) but now they're all one, like a rope. It was a nice metaphor, but it was poorly explained - I thought he was trying to say that they needed a third person for the relationship and that threesomes were the best and only way to go. Not only this, but his enunciation was horrific; he was clearly trying to suppress his Philly accent and not doing a very good job. It just wasn't appropriate in a ceremony so formal that people weren't sure whether or not we were allowed to clap even when the bride and groom kissed. Yeah, the pastor had to let us know we could clap. After they were officiated they did the thing where they walk back down the aisle as a newly married couple and we were supposed to blow bubbles on them. ...yeah, we all totally froze and that didn't happen whatsoever.


I forgot to mention the vocalist! Oh man was that awkward. After they lit their unity candle, this guy gets up with his guitar and starts playing. It was great until he started singing. Don't get me wrong, he has a lovely voice - but the happy couple just stood there smiling at each other for two and a half minutes. It was kind of... awkward.

Other than that, it was a total dream wedding, and it got me thinking.
...It got me thinking that I don't want anything like it for my wedding.

Don't get me wrong - this wedding was perfect for Sam and Alex. It just made sense for them, and not an ounce of it surprised me.

Me, on the other hand? I was a beach wedding. I want a small smattering of people I love. I don't want the officiator to talk about how I am solely a product of my parents, or tell me that we're no longer individuals, I want him to tell us that what makes us individuals is what makes us work even better as one and that we each contribute unique and beautiful things to the relationship. I don't want a sermon on how failing to meet my obligation to the church is comparable to adultery, I want to know that our obligations to each other are the most important things in our lives. I don't want to hear that the ring tells strangers that I'm unavailable, I want to hear that the rings are a symbol of our strength and unity with each other and that we may feel it even if we are without each other.

And I want everyone to be jealous of us.

That's right, I said it. I'm not gonna pretend I'm not jealous of Sam. She had a beautiful wedding a beautiful husband, a beautiful everything. I couldn't be more jealous of their relationship. The look on Alex's face was pure joy, and I knew that I wanted to feel that. I wanted to feel what Sam felt as she walked up the aisle, with the petals falling from the trees with her beautiful husband waiting for her at the other side. I wanted to know that my life would never be the same and that I'd feel the same way about this man for the rest of my life.
Yet I could still be happy for Sam. I still know deep down that even though I haven't met the man of my dreams, he's still out there somewhere. The aged bachelor life isn't for me. Sure, I'll never be able to afford a wedding like Sam's, but I know that my wedding will mean so much for me - not as the happiest day of my life, but as the beginning of the happiest days of the rest of my life - a symbol of the expectations of our day-to-day living as a married couple, together because of our love for each other and no one else, and our committal to mate for life. Maybe we'll choose to have a family. Maybe we'll choose to travel the globe. Maybe we'll raise chickens. Who knows? None of that will matter, so long as we have each other.

...what can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.

I know this will all happen for me someday. Sure, I'm not the classiest of individuals, but I've always known I'd find love and get married and grow old with someone. It's what I'm here for. I only hope I can make that person as happy as they make me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why I can Hate Twilight without having read it

Why I Can Hate Twilight Without Having Read It

Okay so I can think of a follower or two that really aren't going to enjoy this post... and I'm very sorry that I've offended you and I hope you still love me, but I'm not sorry for what I have to say.

1. Conceptual Hatred
There are a lot of things we all hate without having been subjected to it. Liver, for instance, or Brussels Sprouts, or your boyfriend's ex-boyfriend.
Vampires never really did it for me. While Buffy was wanking it over Angel and Spike, I was lusting over Xander Harris. Sure, David Boreanez was/is fuckhot, but that had nothing to do with him being a vampire, it had to do with the fact that he's David Boreanez. Mmm. However, I was always on team Buffy and therefore couldn't get a hard-on for a vampire if I tried. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the only vampire franchise I've ever had any interest in, and it seems like it'll stay that way. The premise of Twilight just doesn't interest me. Nothing about a mildly boring teenager falling for a moody and socially awkward statutory rapist (she's 17, he's a zillion years old, yes?) just doesn't do it for me. Sorry bro.

2. The Fanbase
I know that this is the easiest group to pick on, but can you blame me? Y'all make it so easy. I had a few people I know try and get me into Twilight during my Chuck Palahniuk phase, but nothing at that time was going to surpass his writing. It didn't help that the girl that was trying to get me to read Twilight is generally regarded to be one of the dumbest people I've ever met. This is a girl that would yell at television commercials and not realize she was on her period, despite the fact that we could all smell it. This is a girl that didn't realize that Interior Design and Interior Decorating were two vastly different things, which is why she was failing her Interior Design courses. She ended up paying $40 Grand a year for a photography degree. Yes. This is the stereotype of the kind of girl that loves Twilight. Another person who loves Twilight? One of my bosses who is more like a 13 year old girl than her 13 year old daughter. This is the same woman who went to a Jonas Brothers concert. This is the vaguely accurate stereotype of a Twitard.
That doesn't mean there aren't any smart Twilight fans, I've met a few... but they're also not freaky-deaky obsessed with Twilight.
However, having this freaky-deaky moronic fanbase is a huge turn-off for a majority of those agnostic towards StephanieMyerism. Reading stories of Twitards breaking up with boyfriends who weren't enough like Edward/Jacob or physically attacking people who make fun of Twilight is kind of terrifying, and is enough to make anyone say "...yeah, I'd rather not be a part of that."

3. The Twilight Cash Cow
It always blows to see what a majority of people consider a mediocre product make goddamn bank the way Twilight does. More money have been sunk into Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn than into collegiate education across the nation in the same amount of time.* Hot Topic makes mad money every time a movie gets re-released in various formats or a book undergoes a reprint or yet another Edward Cullen shirt is made. It sickens me to watch people delve so much money into something that I consider to be a poor man's Buffy.
*completely made up statistic

4. Robert Pattinson is a Fucking Pussy
Yo, that muthafucka was goddamned hawt in Harry Potter. So what do they do? They give him a Jersey Shore blowout hairdo, strip him of melanin, make him lose fifteen pounds, and cover him in glitter like he drunkenly stumbled out of Ke$ha's closet, and alluvasudden he's attractive? If anything, they made him more unattractive. I swear to fuck, the film producers pay him to make sure he looks brooding and upset in all photographs in order to keep the fanbase happy. Yet all these Twitards wanna ride him like he's last years model (because it doesn't matter if he gets damaged and they can put as much mileage on him as they want.)

5. Bella Is a Cunt
Bella Swan (really? "Beautiful Swan"? Seriously? You might as well name her "Twinkle Starlight") is a perfect Mary Sue character (a generic character used to let the reader slip into the book). She's unpopular and boring (see section two, The Fanbase) yet two aged nonhuman characters fall in love with her within ten seconds? It sounds like every nerdy girls wet dream. Why would a 21 billion year old, "perfectly-toned" "Vampire" fall in love with a whiny 17 year old girl who kind of sucks a volleyball? Is her blood made of crack? If not, there's no logical explanation other than Stefani Meyer likes her gray vibrator a little too much. The fact that this book advertises abusive relationships to teenagers is disgusting. "I'll do anything for you!" "If you leave me, I'll kill myself." "...dude, I already said I wouldn't leave you." "...can I drink your period blood?"

6. Everyone Hates Stephanie Myer
Meyer? Myers? Mier? Don't care. I can't believe she didn't legally change her name to Bella Swan, considering the entire Twilight series is just masturbatory narcissism. Stephen King said in an interview that she "can't write worth a darn," and that cracked me up so hard. The Oatmeal wrote an amazing piece outlining exactly why Twilight makes money - namely by making Bella the perfect Mary Sue character. Even my parents, who are 32 kinds of dumb, watched Twilight and at the end said "...why is this so boring? It's like they left out all the good parts and left only bad dialogue!"

7. "Hold on tight, Spider Monkey"
'nuff said.

8. Abstinence
I don't know if you caught onto the series being a big metaphor for why abstinence is the shit, but it's a big metaphor for why abstinence is the shit. They can't have sex until they're married, which has got to be fucking difficult since there's no way in hell he has proper legal papers, and when they consummate their marriage on their honeymoon, it almost kills her because apparently Vampire Sex is fuckin' rad, and then she's immediately pregnant and they have to cancel the honeymoon. BUT THE FREAKY DOESN'T END THERE. From what I understand, Bella's half-vampire/half-empty shell daughter is biologically connected to be Jacobs bride when she grows up (which, by the way, happens far too fast for this daughter to actually learn anything). "Hey, so I chose this other guy over you. Is it cool if you marry my unborn daughter instead? I figured that'd be cool." WHAT THE FUCK?!

I believe I've already blogged about it (if not, I need to get on that!) but abstinence only education is, in my well-education opinion, is the worst thing to hit our country in the history of ever. I am not about it. The fact that this is peddled onto these poor teenagers like this is just horrendous.


Okay, I feel like I could probably keep going with this, but it's 3.30 AM and I just haven't been sleeping at all lately. I need to get some rest.

Sorry, A2, I know you're an avid Twilight fan, but I am just not about it. I hope it's not a dealbreaker.


I was half-asleep when I wrote this, so try to excuse grammatical error and misplaced thoughts. One Positive thing I meant to add about Twilight is that at least it's getting people to pick up a book. I'd rather people read Twilight than nothing.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Haikus are more fun than they look.

I'm helping a friend of mine write haikus for her class or whatever about weather or something. here they are!!

When Summer Gets Hot
Girls Wear Less on Beaver Beach

The Leaves, they fall hard
alas, only in autumn
never in the spring

Air Conditioner
you relieve the summer's heat
high electric bill

cold root beer feels so good
why is it so damn hot out
fuck may, june, july

When the dryer breaks
try putting clothes outside
better for the earth

It's not just me, right?
the weather is way too warm.
Inconvenient Truth?

As May comes nearer
early onset senioritis?
a.d.d. worsens.

4 Ibuprofin
My finals give me headache
Please come soon, may eighth.

My roommate snores loud
it keeps me up all night
goddamned allergies.

Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow
why did you touch my sunburn?
can't you see that hurts?

I hate to say this
but I'm breaking up with you
no love you long time

can you see the stars?
no, too much light pollution
maybe next decade

I have one question
I can haz cheesburger nao?
Sorry, lolcat, no.

I love hard science.
total aphrodisiac.
wanna make some love?

jokes about your mom
they will always be funny
your mom's a huge bitch

lightning storms occur
I hear getting hit hurts bad
AHH! WATCH OUT! *bzzzt* OW!

bees love the smell of
water lillies in the sun
not manly enough.

Is that a warm breeze?
It smells so... quite... horrendous.
Dad, did you just fart?

This warm summer day
all it needs is a cold beer
and a weekend off

D'you know Summer's Eve
is a brand of girl's hygeine?
yeah, I know, it's gross.

people are stupid
asking for too many favors
I'm not a genie.

Writing strange haikus
it's a way of life, bitches.
Suck it, suck it dry.

I hope you liked these!

(Also, Matt, my dear friend,
there is one about your mom
can you guess which one?)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I can't take Rejection

Okay, so remember that last post?

Just kidding. I have something to write about, thanks to last night.

I got hardcore rejected.
All I offered was to buy him a drink. We've talked like... three times, and we're in the same bar every Tuesday for karaoke... I haven't even made a move on him or anything to make him uncomfortable (that I'm aware of).
All I said when he approached the bar was "Hey! What are you drinking?"
"I dunno yet."
"Well let me getcha one, on me."
", I don't want to take your money."
"ahh, c'mon, I'm already getting drinks for a couple people, let me get you one."
"No, really. Unless you're wealthy, which you're not, I'm not cool taking your money."
"I... uh..."

At this point it was beating a dead horse, so I just gave up.

You'd think by this time, I'd be a little more used to being rejected... and I am getting used to it. But it still sucks. Like... I'm not unattractive, I'm not annoying, I'm not heinously flamboyant or a total doucher. I've got a lot of friends who (seem to) generally like me, so why do I get rejected so often?
I think possibly it might be that I don't really come off as datable until you get to know me. My friends tell me that I'd be a perfect boyfriend, but then again, they're all women. ...though a few of my straight guy friends have told me that if I had the right parts, they'd be all up ons this. So why are the guys I'm into not into me? It seems to be a trend.

A couple of weeks ago, Dani and I went out to the car for something, and someone driving out of the parking lot shouted out their window "YOU CAN DO BETTER!"

I felt like shit.

Why would someone say that about me? I'm a good guy! Granted, Dani and I will never date, seeing as how she doesn't have the right parts, and she's a little crazy, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't offended. I'm a really great guy, and it hurts that total strangers feel the need to weigh in and say that I'm not good enough.

I've been told my whole life that I'm not good enough. I've always been just above average, and I'm being reminded of it more and more as time goes on. I'm realizing I wasted my four years at college, I don't even know if I want to go back to school at this point. I basically just want to open a bar and spend every night at it until I die, and then open Heaven or Hell's best bar.

I've just been so insecure lately, and things happening around me are exacerbating it. It's not my fault I'm not perfect...

or maybe it is.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Life's too short, and the nights are long.

I spent at little time going through some of my old blogs yesterday... and realized that I haven't been doing much thinking lately. Those were some smart blogs I wrote!!
So then I started wondering Have I become completely vapid? Is that why I don't blog philosophic anymore? Am I dumb now?

Nope, I got a life.

See, I blogged all summer because I had nothing better to do. I was sitting around doing nothing all day long, and I used my blog to get some mental stimulation.

Now, work keeps my brain at least partially running, and I go out 2-3 times a week with friends and party my ass off. I now have stuff to do. FUN stuff, might I add. So yeah, I don't feel too bad about not blogging frequently anymore, now that I can use my brain power for fun instead of ranting.

So, I apologize for the lack of updates, but I don't apologize for enjoying myself. :-)