Monday, December 28, 2009

Insanity at its Sanest

May 22 16:37
I'm 90% sure I just saw Santa drive by- 'cept instead of a sleigh, he was in a beat up ford.
16:37 Ps all I've eaten today is 3 energy drinks and a can of pringles, so I could be wrong.

Jun 03 09:25 I just saw a woman walk into the liquor store and get a cart. It's 9:30 on a wednesday. I WANT TO BE HER....

Jun 05 18:43 Aww well thanks for thinking of me! I think of you AT ALL TIMES.
(I think this was in response to me saying I would not get you shot glasses from LA because LAX can burn in a fiery pit.)

Jun 14 10:53 Bad way to kill a Hornet in your bedroom: wrap it up in a curtain and beat it with a mug. Good way to kill a half-dead, pissed off hornet: wrap it in duct tape
10:54 and set it on fire.

Jun 15 18:09 So I'm definitely tipsy... but the kind of tipsy where I want to be dancing furiously, not causing a problem kind of tipsy. i hate being on the train right now.

(half an hour later)

These are some texts that I've sent Claudia.

Because being friends with me means being friends with an INSANE PERSON. should probably be friends with me.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

...we haven't met yet

I haven't been feeling like a good person the last couple of days.

Working in Customer Service during Christmas has really drained my everything. Snow no longer means "yay! day off! woohoo!" it means insane customers yelling at me because we've run out of snowboots. Jingle Bell Rock loses it's meaning after it's 300th repetition. Spiced Cider isn't a delicious beverage, it's a jar candle we sell for $9.99, but it's on sale this week for $3.49. I have nightmares every night about work. I had an internet stalker who moonlights as a mall santa.

Christmas eve is tomorrow, and I just don't care.

In middle school, I was that kid that wore red and green for a month and wore santa hats the week leading up to christmas. Same in high school and college, but a bit more toned down.

I also found out that Whole Foods starts its employees at $10 an hour. I started at $7.50.

Customer Service has turned me into a total cynic. I make the Grinch look like Mother-fucking-Theresa (pre-heart growing). I hate when musicians make Christmas songs because I know it's just a ploy to sell more albums. All these little punk-rock Christmas songs are a way to get people to download their music. No one makes a Christmas song because they just LOVE Christmas. It's the most commercial holiday ever. At least Valentine's Day doesn't try to deny it - it knows it's a total Hallmark Holiday.

Customer Service has turned me into a difficult person to be around. I'm honestly feeling myself grow a little colder. I don't know how to have a conversation where I'm not talking about how much I hate work. When I'm not at work, all I want to do is talk to my internet friends or sleep. This isn't healthy.

All I can hope is that after Christmas, things will be a lot better for me. Maybe a little less tweakin' out. Maybe a little more stability.
...okay, that's not gonna happen. Let's try something more realistic - I hope that come February, things get a little easier for me.

I'm not a negative person though, I never have been. One of my favorite things about me has always been my positivity. I could always see the good in every situation, the best in every person, the heart of every soul. Now, I just see people as how difficult they're going to be when they approach my customer service counter. I feel gross and fat and overworked and underpaid and the bags under my eyes have bags and I'm breaking out and oh my god poor me I'm so sad.

Fuck, I'm even cynical about how cynical I am. ...that's no good.

Anyway, I miss the positive side of me. I desperately need to find that positive part of me again.
I have a few ideas of how to find Positive Alex again though.
a) find a boyfriend
b) become an alcoholic
c) punch a baby
d) become an alcoholic
e) all of the above

...what, do you have other suggestions?

that's what I thought. :-)

Friday, December 11, 2009

My Christmas List


Now that I have a few days off from work, I can actually care about it. It's hard to be excited for Christmas when it's a cause for people to get really, really nasty.

So, let's talk about what I want for christmas!!

Verizon Droid Phone

I just totally want it. My phone blows mad dicks, I'm so excited for an upgrade.

Legend Of Zelda - Spirit Tracks

I LOVE Legend of Zelda. Like... somuchyoudon'tevenknow.

Chuck Palahniuk - Haunted

This is one of my favorite books, and I think someone stole it from me or I lost it. This makes me cry everywhere.

Rob Sheffield - Love is a MixTape

This is one of the best books I've ever read. I cried throughout the whole thing... which wasn't good, because I read it when I was working at the library... while at work. ...kind of embarrassing.

iPod Touch

Do I really have to explain this one? So awesome.

Neil Gaiman - Coraline

This book is amazing! I read it before the film came out and was stunned.

The Warm Touch of Another

Woah okay where did that come from? Get that out of there! why won't my backspace/delete button work! ahh!

Wellk, if yoiu want to buy me cjhristmas presents (sorry, bcakspace is broken, can't fix typos), let me know and I'll totally give you my mailing adress - assuming you DON'T FUCKING CREEP ME. ...more on that to come.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Alex's Adventures in Retail (2)

I totally made a guys day yesterday :-)
Not in the pervy way, pervs.

An older (probably late forties or mid fifties) man came up to my customer service counter hoping that we had a hoodie in a different size and color. We didn't have it, but I called up one of the other stores to see if they did. While on hold for thirty-seven years, the customer and I had a really great conversation.

See, within four seconds I could tell that he was gay, so I was immediately more comfortable with him. Especially once he said that he was wearing a girls hoodie under his jacket, I knew I was fine.

I made no indication that I, too, was gay, because it didn't warrant in the situation. I don't run around talking about how gay I am. I think some of my coworkers know... I think others want me to date Dani.

Anyways, we got talking about how I went to college and what I want to do with it, which is couples therapy. Twice now I've been asked if I'd be comfortable working with "all types of couples". Each time I'm asked this, they're always wondering if I'm comfortable working with gay couples. When this guy asked, I said "Absolutely. A couple is a couple, and if they have issues, then I've no problem working with them."

He got a really big smile on his face.

He got happy because he heard someone say "I don't see the difference. There is no difference between gay and straight couples." These things are commonplace in people my age, but I think the older generation needs to hear it more often. Of course, I think this man thought I was heterosexual, which is strange considering my purple flannel and sweatervest, but I'm kind of that right-in-the-middle kind of gay where you're like "...well is he or isn't he?" So this man probably wasn't sure, but seemed to be thrilled to have someone work with him that understood him. We never could get the other store to help out (the men's associate on duty couldn't get off of the register) but I did the best I could, and in the end the customer was satisfied.

We need more straight male allies though. So many straight men are afraid to come forward in support because in the straight male community, that marks you as gay yourself, which is negative. Straight men have just as many if not more social guidelines as gay men. Straight men get football, Gay men get Lady Gaga. Sure, there's some crossover... well, Gay men can cross over. Heck, it's a turn on if a gay man likes sports for something other than tight abs and short shorts. If a straight man likes Lady Gaga because her music has a great beat.... GAY. Sure, I get yelled at for not liking Madonna and not knowing the choreography to every Britney Spears song, but in the long run no gay is going to mark me as an outcast because I've never seen To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar and don't particularly want to. Straight men have very strict social guidelines and heaven forbid they be breached in any way. That's why it's so rare to see a straight man come out in support of the homosexual community, and whenever it happens, we have this bad habit of worshiping them... and they kind of deserve it.

Thank you, heterosexual community, for without your support, we'd just be dog-fuckers.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Alex's Adventures in Retail

Wow! I have ten followers! I am truly flattered! :-)

I'm so sorry I haven't blogged in like eight years. I just started this new retail job. I'm working customer service at Kohl's.

Kohl's, by the way, is an amazing store. It really, really is. I absolutely love the store, the products, the return policy, and especially my managers and coworkers. My store has the absolute most amazing group of people committed to the store, the customers, and most importantly, each other. I've made a couple friends here that I know I will have as friends for life.

The customers, however, are the dumbest, rudest, dishonest, confused, and disheartening group of people I've ever worked with.

Okay, that's not true. Approximately 80% of the customers are not a problem. They're kind, they're patient, and they understand if something isn't going to work out quite how they expected or hoped. Of that 80%, 24% or so are downright amazing (20% of 100%). They laugh, they smile, they joke, sometimes they even help me do my job correctly. A good chunk of this 24% is made up of husbands who couldn't give less of a fuck about what happens, because "[they're] the patient, [I'm] the doctor," what happens happens, and they'll take what they can get. They're sent by their wives who they wish would just shut the fuck up. They're thrilled to be out of the house, and can't even believe how quick, easy, and painless it is to do returns at Kohl's. I love husbands!

But for every easy-to-please husband and jovial middle-aged housewife, we have a horrible customer. That last 20% of people are horrible, horrible people.
It's the woman who, no matter how many times you explain it to her, insists that she get the full return price of the item, despite getting a 30% discount of her original purchase.
It's the Indian woman (I'm sorry, they always are) who buys a bunch of items with a gift card and then tries to return them for cash, and gets upset when I have to return it as in-store credit.
It's the eighty-year old woman who comes in four times in the same week to scream at me about rebates and credit fraud, accepting no answer as a correct answer despite having spoken to several managers.
It's the Indian man (I'm sorry, they always are) who wants to return receiptless, tagless, washed and worn pants purchased in 2003 that reek of curry and mothballs.
It's the 27 year old mother of two toddlers who returns clearly heavily worn shoes.
It's the 60 year old man who returns a watch that stopped working... a watch he purchased 25 years ago.

I'm not going to tell you if we were able to help these people or not, because I don't want you turning into them. It's very tempting to become a total asshole. The people behind the customer service desk are real people. We're real people with real lives... and quite frankly, we don't care about you. I know it's the harsh truth - we just don't care about you. Think about it - we're a corporation. We care about your money - of course we'll bend over backwards for you. We want to get paid. Of course, this "caring" trickles down to us, in customer service. We're trained to genuinely care about you, so that you keep coming back, and corporate headquarters can genuinely care about your money.

Me? I care. Everyone else at customer service cares too. That's the scary part - we really do. Who we care for, though, are the 80% that help make our day a little better. The 80% of you that understand that we're not your bitch, and that we are there to do our jobs the best we possibly can, we applaud you, and take care of you with all the enthusiasm we're able to muster. I feel bad when I've had a bad customer, and it's left me so discouraged that I can't great and treat you with proper enthusiasm and positivity. That happened to me today - after an onslaught of cruel customers clearly sent from Hades to make my day a living hell, we had a few customers who really were a delight to work with, but the most I could muster up was a half-hearted hello and a forged smile.

If you're one of those petty patrons out to be a downer on my day, don't. Stay at home - take out your soreness and spite on some other soul, but leave mine out of it. My job entails getting shit on for eight hours a day, I don't need your beef on top of it.

The next time you go into a retail place - JCPenny's, Macy's, Wal*Mart, Target, Kohl's, etc., I want you to do something for me. I want you to go to their customer service counter, and I want you to say:

"I just want to say that you're doing an amazing job. Keep your head up, okay?"

Sometimes, that's all we need to hear.