Friday, July 31, 2009

Aches & Pains

So... I went to the doctor's today.
Aside from massive amounts of witty banter that I'm always spouting (if you know me, you know that my wit is genius... hahahahah! Jeeze, I couldn't even type that with a straight face!!), the doctors was a kinda easy experience.

Except it turns out I had to get some booster shots.
Okay, I kind of hate needles, but that's fine.
::side note:: i managed to call Tetanus "Tetris."
Because, ladies and gentleman (I know there's only one of you)
I'm a fucking idiot.
So I got my tetris shot and a hepatitis shot.

My arms have never known such soreness.

And naturally, it's ITCHY.
PAINTCHY, if you will.

But, naturally, that's not the only problem I have going on,
oh no. I wouldn't be that lucky.

I went to the beach last weekend, where I learned that I have no clue how to put on sunscreen. This is the result:

That's right, check that beauty out. My fat, sunburnt, Rorschach ink-blot back. You know you love it. Mmmm awkward sunburn. Proof once again that I totally and completely rule.

Currently, my right shoulder is peeling like a bitch. Because, once again, I totally and completely rock. You're jealous.


So point is, I now have red, peeling skin everywhere along with a sore shot-arm. What's next, cancer?

I hope so.

what the eff?

What do murder, pedophilia, suicide and a baby tiger have in common? They have all been used to sell stuff in these amazingly disturbing vintage ads!

These are real, untouched advertisements from the good old days. It doesn't matter if it's lovely ladies or adorable clowns, somehow these old-time ad wizards found ways to traumatize us while peddling everyday products.

Enjoy them now, call your therapist later!

15. White Bread Demon
"Bread is swell, but what I'm really excited about is eating jelly made from the blood of the innocent!"

14. French Suicide Sausage
It's enough to make you want to eat Kosher forever.

13. A Girl Around The House
It's nice to have a girl around the house... especially if you are a psychopath serial killer who makes women into rugs!

12. Chubby
Who needs self-esteem when you can have a free fashion book for chubbies? Also, proving that advertising weight representation has always been screwed up, the girl pictured is totally not chubby.

11. Christmas Weapons
The family that guns together, has funs together.

10. Eye patch. Shirt. Baby Tiger

9. Chase & Sandborn Spanking
She totally deserves it. Seriously, what kind of woman doesn't "store test" for fresher coffee?

8. Fry's Chocolate Nightmare
Nothing wants to make consumers buy chocolate more than 5 faces of a sickly kid looking 5 different shades of miserable.

7. Root Beer Baby!
Mama, please DO NOT give your baby another glass of Root Beer. It is clearly doing something horrible to him. He is terrifying.

6. Locked Out
You better wash out your privates with Lysol, or your husband will install cartoon locks on the door.

5. Pears Soap Disaster
"Pears Soap- now with such a soothing lather, you won't notice that your baby has gotten into a horrible accident!"

4. Postage Meter Murder
"Is it always illegal to kill a woman?" This is a truly important question and makes us want to buy a new postage meter.

3. Shave Yourself
The old man baby's gonna sing karaoke into a razor! Hooray!

2. Baby Soft
JonBenét Ramsey, eat your heart out. (Too soon?) This ad makes us want to scream, gouge out our eyes and then barf.

1. Chocolate Poulain
Drink that cocoa, or this clown will murder you in your sleep.

more adventures in cyber-dating

Whoops! Didn't mean to forget about this!

More adventures in manhunt dating...

a) got awkwardly pressured by a guy who really, really wanted to blow me. It was the strangest combination of incredibly aroused and panic-attacky I've ever had. Did I mention I'm not into meeting strangers off the internet for sex? Okay good.

b) "Hey Norristown Here wana use my hole no talking no faces?"
Does something about "interested in an LTR" scream "fuck my anonymous ass"? Just curious as to if I'm sending out the wrong signals here.

c) 99% sure that this one guy made two profiles just to get in mah pants. They had almost the same text, though they contained very different pictures. I had been ignoring the first one, and then the other started messaging me, then gave me his screenname... which belonged to the other guy. Classy.

I've tried a bunch of dating sites and nothing seems to work... but meeting guys is really hard when you don't know who's gay and who's not.

I was pretty sure I had seen my ex on my train the other day. Man, was that awkward. I'm pretty sure I just stared at a stranger for a while wondering if it was my ex. So, because I now find this situation funny, I decided to be silly.
I remembered that Craigslist has Missed Connections. I also remembered that some people purposefully post humorous things on Craigslist. So I decided to be unapologetically awkward and post this today:

R1 Train to Philly on Sunday - m4m - 21 (Philadelphia)

Me: 5'9", short Brown hair, White button-up shirt, Sunburnt, big green backpack, had to awkwardly ask strangers what stop we were at
You: Unknown height, blond-tipped faux-hawk, probably around 23? Going somewhere past Suburban Station

I was staring at you awkwardly because you looked ridiculously like my ex. ...sorry about that.
Really though... you could be his long lost maybe-fraternal-but-are-they-identical?-I-can't-tell twin.
I just wanted to let you know I wasn't being creepy. Just... confused.

If you actually were my ex... well then I guess that's even more awkward, huh? hmm.

Well, that's all.


If that's not funny, I don't know what is.
I am a riot. Laugh it up, people.
Seriously though, I'm about to turn to twitter or something for dating.
"Hey, I saw u tweeted abt #sytycd and ur kinda cute. U nrby?"

No, I don't tweet like that. Just check the sidebar! (I do flirt like that though. I'm awkward in public.)

(HASHTAG H-O-T-T HAHA LOL you wanna go the-number-four coffee?)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


So Hustler basically made a Lindsay Lohan porn.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

A not-so-silly post...

Today, my father yelled at me because I "have no direction, no future" because I have no job and still live at home. I just graduated college in May and have been out of a job for a week. FML.

I am getting really sick and tired of being treated like I've done something wrong. Out of his four kids, I'm the best one, hands down, but apparently I've "treated [them] like shit since [I] was fifteen."
Nevermind his two daughters from his prior marriage that only speak to him when it's their kids birthdays. Nevermind that Railyn had her first kid at sixteen, then proceeded to have four more by two different daddies. Nevermind that Natalie was pregnant at both of her big, white weddings. Ironically, Natalie is the only family member that's told me she's proud of me; actually, she's the only one that seems to show interest in what I'm doing - and that was just from one simple facebook message. When Railyn messages me, it feels like she's trying to use me to extort sympathy from my dad, so that she can get to him.
My family's pretty fucked up.
Then theres my younger brother. I constantly get from my mother, "well we have no money to send Chris to school," indicating it's my fault that Chris won't be going to a four-year-college in the fall. Nevermind the fact that his high school had to fudge his grades so he'd graduate. Oh no, it's my fault Chris is kinda-sorta going to community college without a major. Completely my fault.
I feel like I'm the only person that didn't just "go-with-the-flow." Mom got her degree in Physical Education which she never used, she just kept working at her father's gym. Dad got his associates in Civil Engineering - because that's what every kid wants to do when they grow up. Natalie never went to college and Railyn got her G.E.D. I actually followed my dreams - went to my dream college, got a degree in a subject that truly interests me... I don't think I did too bad.

And how do I treat my family like shit? I mean honestly, in comparison to the other kids, I'm the least high maintenance. For starters, he never had to pay Child Support for me. I've never once asked him to get Christmas Presents for my kids- OH WAIT. I had the decency not to knock anyone up (not that it would happen to me by accident... but that's not the point.) Yeah, I may not do much around the house, but I'm pretty low-impact. I don't leave my room for the most part.
And don't try and say "well maybe that's part of it." Growing up, we didn't have "family time." We had "Dad watches TV and we watch whatever Dad's watching" time. My family never wanted "family time." Quite frankly, we're not a family, and this isn't a home. We're four people that hate each other stuck in the same house.

Dad's been pretty clear for a long time that he wants us out of the house. Even when we got rid of a bunch of furniture because we were getting new stuff, he said "Susie, we should keep it like this." "Ray... there's only two chairs." "I know."
Everytime we turn around, he wants to kick us out for things like not taking out the trash. Yes, you read that correctly. Not taking out the trash is eviction-worthy.
But Mom knows that neither Chris nor I are financially stable, so she tells my dad "no, you can't kick the boys out."
So now he just threatens to leave her.

At this point, there are only two situations I see for my future family.
Either I will love them tremeandously and show my kids more love than they know what to do with...
Or I refuse to have a family, because I've seen how families can go wrong and I don't want my kids to suffer through that.
After today, the second one seems more likely.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

In Your Dreams

So apparently, even guys in my sex dreams aren't attracted to me.

See, in my dream, I was sitting under the blankets cuddling this guy that is absolutely my type. Dark hair, some nice facial scruff, warm, comfortable, so damn hot...
and we start kissing a bit, and the hands go south...
...and unlike Lady Gaga, I couldn't "get him hard and show him I what I got..."
He then confessed that he just wasn't into me like he thought he was. We kissed each other a couple more times, and then I left because I couldn't have my heart broken any more.

Yep, unrequited love even in my dreams. Like seriously? My sex dreams suck.

I didn't even know that stuff happened. No wait... just kidding. All of my sex dreams are effing strange. I don't know why I'm surprised. Frustrated? Definitely. The worst part is, unlike a lot of other people, I can feel in my dreams. So I know what it was like to be touching and kissing this guy, and he wasn't even real. Buh I'm gonna be thinking about this all day.

Now playing: Nina Sky - Beautiful People
via FoxyTunes

Monday, July 6, 2009

This is a show?

Welcome to my new segment bit off of The Soup called "This is a Show?"

8 out of 10 Cats is a game show on British Television about polls.
Yes, polls.
It's half comedy and half game show and all ridiculous.
And the announcer is an American guy, unlike all American game/reality shows that use British announcers (SYTYCD, DWTS, etc.)

You gotta see this. It's completely ridiculous (and uncensored!)
(And there's 8 seasons!)

8 out of 10 Cats

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I don't believe in Blogging...

You know what I love? When people say "I don't believe in _________."

For instance:

"I don't believe in divorce."
"I don't believe in homosexuals."
"I don't believe in Television." if it requires their belief in it to exist, like Unicorns or Pixies.

Plenty of people get divorced.
Plenty of people are gay as shit.
Plenty of people (myself definitely included) watch too much television.

saying "Divorce isn't for me," or "I don't like Gay," or "The Mass Media doesn't control me" is different than "I don't believe in it."

At the same time, I know that if people read this blog (hey, I'm only on post 2), one would say "Well what about God? He exists but people don't believe in Him."
Whether you believe in God, He is abstract. You can't show someone a real, live picture of God. You can't introduce someone to God and say "see? Toldja." He's not a dead guy in the river, He's an abstract concept, no matter how real or unreal He may or may not be.

So please, don't say "I don't believe in _________" unless it makes sense, okay? That is all.

found this gem on OverheardEverywhere today:

Guy at party
: What are you studying in that class?

Psychology grad student: We're learning how to administer and score intelligence tests.
Girl at party: I don't believe in intelligence.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Okay, so a friend of mine recently convinced me to join ManHunt.
I've had no luck with other internet dating sites, but didn't want to join manhunt because it just seemed well... slutty.
"But no!" he said, "there's a lot of guys on there who aren't just looking for sex. I'm one of them! Trust me."

So finally I caved.
Made an account.
The profiles there are nice and simple, so here's what I wrote:

"I'm not on here for sex, I'm looking for a friend to turn into a relationship.
Send me a message if you'd like to get to know me."

Believe it or not, that's a long profile on there, since it seems most people are "Man, I love fuckin'. Wanna fuck my ass?"

Within 24 hours, I had two men over 50 tell me that they wanna have sex with me, and then this gem of a message:

"sum suck my canon... u do realize this is a sex site. love to see you naked"

Okay for starters, "sum suck my canon"? Did he mean "cum" or "some"? Well, to break it down - the first way is bad grammar and the second way is poor spelling. I like men with IQ's higher than that of mayonnaise, thank you.

Secondly, when someone at a bar says "I don't drink, I come here for the fries," do you shove a drink in their face and scream "this is a bar, now chug!!!" or do you buy them some fucking fries? You buy them some goddamn waffle fries or you leave them the fuck alone. Dang, Mustang! Forward much?

Thirdly, "love to see you naked". a) that's completely untrue. Very few people enjoy seeing me naked. b) I just got some new clothes, and contrary to popular belief they look way better on me than on your floor, got it?

I got another message from a guy today that simply said "Yo."
What does one say to that?
He's cute, but since profiles on this site have to be short I know next to nothing about him..
so what did I say back?
"Yo, what's good."
What else am I supposed to say? He gave me nothing to work with. For all I know he just wants to sex me up, so I'm not gonna be like "hey, here's my screen name let's talk!!" But what if he wants more than that and just assumed I wasn't going to respond? At least he's not like the other guy who tried to condescend his dick into my mouth.

Welcome to my first post.
I'm sure I'll have more adventures in internet dating to bitch about.
Among other various things.
For my music blog, check out Alex's iPod
For my reality television blog, check out JudgingReality