Wednesday, December 23, 2009

...we haven't met yet

I haven't been feeling like a good person the last couple of days.

Working in Customer Service during Christmas has really drained my everything. Snow no longer means "yay! day off! woohoo!" it means insane customers yelling at me because we've run out of snowboots. Jingle Bell Rock loses it's meaning after it's 300th repetition. Spiced Cider isn't a delicious beverage, it's a jar candle we sell for $9.99, but it's on sale this week for $3.49. I have nightmares every night about work. I had an internet stalker who moonlights as a mall santa.

Christmas eve is tomorrow, and I just don't care.

In middle school, I was that kid that wore red and green for a month and wore santa hats the week leading up to christmas. Same in high school and college, but a bit more toned down.

I also found out that Whole Foods starts its employees at $10 an hour. I started at $7.50.

Customer Service has turned me into a total cynic. I make the Grinch look like Mother-fucking-Theresa (pre-heart growing). I hate when musicians make Christmas songs because I know it's just a ploy to sell more albums. All these little punk-rock Christmas songs are a way to get people to download their music. No one makes a Christmas song because they just LOVE Christmas. It's the most commercial holiday ever. At least Valentine's Day doesn't try to deny it - it knows it's a total Hallmark Holiday.

Customer Service has turned me into a difficult person to be around. I'm honestly feeling myself grow a little colder. I don't know how to have a conversation where I'm not talking about how much I hate work. When I'm not at work, all I want to do is talk to my internet friends or sleep. This isn't healthy.

All I can hope is that after Christmas, things will be a lot better for me. Maybe a little less tweakin' out. Maybe a little more stability.
...okay, that's not gonna happen. Let's try something more realistic - I hope that come February, things get a little easier for me.

I'm not a negative person though, I never have been. One of my favorite things about me has always been my positivity. I could always see the good in every situation, the best in every person, the heart of every soul. Now, I just see people as how difficult they're going to be when they approach my customer service counter. I feel gross and fat and overworked and underpaid and the bags under my eyes have bags and I'm breaking out and oh my god poor me I'm so sad.

Fuck, I'm even cynical about how cynical I am. ...that's no good.

Anyway, I miss the positive side of me. I desperately need to find that positive part of me again.
I have a few ideas of how to find Positive Alex again though.
a) find a boyfriend
b) become an alcoholic
c) punch a baby
d) become an alcoholic
e) all of the above

...what, do you have other suggestions?

that's what I thought. :-)

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