Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dating Woes

Hokay, so I haven't give you guys a Misadventures in Dating in a while, so let's talk.

This guy from yahoo personals sent me a message, and we started IMing. Then, we talked on the phone for an hour - best conversation I've had with a guy in a long time. Me and my old roommates keep a FB message going, and I sent them this list of pros and cons
(note, you're about to see me be shallow. It happens. a lot of the "cons" were things that aren't my favorite, but I can deal with.

Bad things:
-Gets hair cut 2x a month (high maintenance)
-Celine Dion is "[his] girl"
-might not be able to deal with my baggage
-might be a little too gay
-used to weigh 300 lbs, lost a lot of weight but is likely flabby
-"can be a total cunt"
-Workaholic (whereas I am a slacker)
-does not want as many cats as i want

Good things:
-Makes me laugh
-Very confident
-Has a solid family
-Has a solid group of friends
-loves, loves, LOVES cuddling
-incredibly cute
-thinks I'm incredibly cute
-started his own business when he was 15, sold it when he was 20. Now works at a hotel in a high enough position where he has employees
-has a car with heated seats that he bought himself
-only lives an hour or so away
-six days older than me
-wants to settle down with someone monogamously
-so far, very nice

Basically, the good highly outweighs the bad. He's kind of stellar, right?
...not right.

So, friday night, we made pseudoplans that saturday, after he was done attending a wedding in philly, he was most likely going to come up to where I live and we'd go out for drinks or coffee.
At noon saturday, I sent him a text saying "how's the wedding?" hoping to get a more definite on if/when he may be coming. I assumed it was like 75% that he was coming.
...no response.
Okay, that's fine. 5.00 rolls around, and at this point I was supposed to know what was going on. 6.00 rolls around. at 7.00 I see him on AIM, which means instead of coming to see me, he went home. I IMed him, icebreaking with "so, how was the wedding?"
...he signed off.
At 9.00, I sent him a text solely saying "So, I'll take it I won't be seeing you tonight?"
...no response.

It's now Tuesday.

I went back and checked our IMs and texts to make sure I didn't come off as insane or twitchy, and I don't think I did, meaning there's only a few possible scenarios that may have happened.

Scenario 1: He met someone at the wedding.
Scenario 2: He found my myspace and decided I was too fat/ugly
Scenario 3: He thought I was serious about wanting 32 cats (though I made it clear I was joking)
Scenario 4: He thought I was a slacker/deadbeat because I don't have a job or car right now, even though I made it clear I was working on it.
Scenario 5: He did seem a little offput when I mentioned that I don't want kids, and said that he'd "have to think about that one."

It's just so strange, because he doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would just stop talking to me altogether out of nowhere. He seemed a lot nicer than that, like he'd offer some sort of an explanation, even if it was a lie. I can't imagine anything so bad that he decided he didn't even want to be friends with me.

I mean, I was basically stood up, and I'm not exactly happy about it. But I've also been single for three years now, and he seems like a guy I could spend some time with, at least four or so months (that's like ten years in gay.)
I dunno, it's a strange, awkward situation... probably moreso for me than him, because I don't know what I did wrong. He certainly does.

So here's my question to you guys: should I toss an email to him that says something like "so... hey, I was wondering why you stopped talking to me?" or should I just not bother?


  1. I've been through almost this exact same scenario multiple times--great chats, excellent conversations, or so I thought, then sometimes a date, sometimes not, and then a complete disappearing act for who knows why. My advice, just because I've gone through the same scenario-listing as you have, is that if this guy were the someone you actually want to be with, he wouldn't disappear like this.

    Back in the day, you could wonder whether some emergency happened, but the whole signing-off-right-after-you-tried-to-contact-him thing points to that not being the case. It's frustrating and it sucks, but you're probably never going to get a real answer for him as to what happened, because that's just how people are.

    In the long run, though, the conclusions I came to were (a) guys who do that obviously aren't as great as they seemed to be and (b) why they did that isn't really important, in the long run, because just by doing that they've proven themselves not worth worrying about.

    If it's any consolation, when I met my partner, I was so used to this disappearing act happening that I was fully prepared for him to just stop talking to me out of the blue, for over a month into our relationship. Any time he didn't answer the phone right away or was busy, I'd instantly assume that was it, because other guys had gotten me so paranoid. Eventually, I realized, "Wow, all guys aren't like that." It can take a while, but there actually are guys worth being with out there. But my advice would be to not waste too much time trying to figure out people who aren't.

    You have every right to feel hurt and slighted, so I totally get the impulse to contact him again. I swear, I've been there...repeatedly, and it sucks, and I'm really sorry you're going through it. But focus on finding a good guy. They do exist! :)

  2. Heck, no! Don't spend another minute on this emotional infant.