Saturday, July 11, 2009

A not-so-silly post...

Today, my father yelled at me because I "have no direction, no future" because I have no job and still live at home. I just graduated college in May and have been out of a job for a week. FML.

I am getting really sick and tired of being treated like I've done something wrong. Out of his four kids, I'm the best one, hands down, but apparently I've "treated [them] like shit since [I] was fifteen."
Nevermind his two daughters from his prior marriage that only speak to him when it's their kids birthdays. Nevermind that Railyn had her first kid at sixteen, then proceeded to have four more by two different daddies. Nevermind that Natalie was pregnant at both of her big, white weddings. Ironically, Natalie is the only family member that's told me she's proud of me; actually, she's the only one that seems to show interest in what I'm doing - and that was just from one simple facebook message. When Railyn messages me, it feels like she's trying to use me to extort sympathy from my dad, so that she can get to him.
My family's pretty fucked up.
Then theres my younger brother. I constantly get from my mother, "well we have no money to send Chris to school," indicating it's my fault that Chris won't be going to a four-year-college in the fall. Nevermind the fact that his high school had to fudge his grades so he'd graduate. Oh no, it's my fault Chris is kinda-sorta going to community college without a major. Completely my fault.
I feel like I'm the only person that didn't just "go-with-the-flow." Mom got her degree in Physical Education which she never used, she just kept working at her father's gym. Dad got his associates in Civil Engineering - because that's what every kid wants to do when they grow up. Natalie never went to college and Railyn got her G.E.D. I actually followed my dreams - went to my dream college, got a degree in a subject that truly interests me... I don't think I did too bad.

And how do I treat my family like shit? I mean honestly, in comparison to the other kids, I'm the least high maintenance. For starters, he never had to pay Child Support for me. I've never once asked him to get Christmas Presents for my kids- OH WAIT. I had the decency not to knock anyone up (not that it would happen to me by accident... but that's not the point.) Yeah, I may not do much around the house, but I'm pretty low-impact. I don't leave my room for the most part.
And don't try and say "well maybe that's part of it." Growing up, we didn't have "family time." We had "Dad watches TV and we watch whatever Dad's watching" time. My family never wanted "family time." Quite frankly, we're not a family, and this isn't a home. We're four people that hate each other stuck in the same house.

Dad's been pretty clear for a long time that he wants us out of the house. Even when we got rid of a bunch of furniture because we were getting new stuff, he said "Susie, we should keep it like this." "Ray... there's only two chairs." "I know."
Everytime we turn around, he wants to kick us out for things like not taking out the trash. Yes, you read that correctly. Not taking out the trash is eviction-worthy.
But Mom knows that neither Chris nor I are financially stable, so she tells my dad "no, you can't kick the boys out."
So now he just threatens to leave her.

At this point, there are only two situations I see for my future family.
Either I will love them tremeandously and show my kids more love than they know what to do with...
Or I refuse to have a family, because I've seen how families can go wrong and I don't want my kids to suffer through that.
After today, the second one seems more likely.

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