Monday, October 19, 2009

Look at this Fucking Hipster

Another late-night rant? Yes, please!


So I've realized something over the years.
I'm 99% sure that all hipsters are actually people completely devoid of social skills.

Before you scream at me that I'm just a mainstream hater working for the man or some other stupid shit, try and tell me that this girl has social skills.



If you said that she's just rebelling against social norms, you are kindly invited to go google yourself and quit reading this fucking blog. Ever heard the phrase "If you don't get the joke, it's probably about you"? ...yeah.


That's the thing. "Rebelling against social norms" translates to "socially retarded". Seriously? Most hipsters I've met have worse social skills than an autistic person (except autistic people have a medical/psychological reason for being socially awkward... hipsters have no excuse.) Take, for instance, these two fucking hipster girls I met at a party last year. I had been asked to make a playlist. I thought about the party we were going to: it was a dry, outdoor barbecue, filled 99% with people that belonged to our dance team on campus (we'd just had our final show of the year, and this was a party to kind of celebrate it. There were a few people coming that were the host's friends or people's boyfriends.) Knowing the people, I filled the playlist primarily with a) things on the radio, and b) covers of things on the radio. Fun, dancey pop/punky stuff. I spent a good chunk of time putting together this playlist onto my ipod.


To give a little bit of background, I get really, really upset when people touch my ipod. ...see, my ipod kind of freaks out when other people touch him, and has the tendency to freeze up anytime someone does... so I get a little weary of other people touching my ipod. Luckily, most people at this party knew that about me, but just in case, I kept my ipod behind a bush, still attached to the speakers but out of sight.

We ended up essentially having one party inside and one outside (the sliding doors of the apartment led to a nice little courtyard.) Generally I was getting pretty good reactions to my playlist, it was nice. A little while later, I notice these two hipsters with their headbands and loose skirts and tiny jackets and band-you've-never-heard-of shirts and unwashed, teased hair talking closely and drinking from red cups. I move closer to them, and I get a strong whiff of Werther's.
"...are you guys drinking straight Butterscotch Schnapps?"
"...yes? how did you know it was Buttershots and not like... something else?"
"because I'm not retarded. This is a dry party, can you guys not drink?"
"No one's going to know."
"Really? because I was ten feet away and could smell it. I'm the only person here that's 21, and if this party gets broken up for any reason and they find you two with booze, I could get in a lot of trouble."
"You're not gonna get in trouble, trust us."
"yeahokaywhatever."

So they keep going with their schnapps. ...then I see them rifling through my ipod.
"Excuse me guys, but can you not touch my ipod? He tends to freak out if other people touch him."
"Oh, *not putting the ipod down* we're just trying to see if you have any Justice."
"The electronic french guys? I think I have a remix or something. Really though, can you leave it alone?"
"Oh, but we want to listen to Justice! I'll just plug in my iPod!"
"...actually, can you not? I worked for a while on that playlist..."
"Yeah, but there's no Justice on it."
"....yeah, that's because I tried to tailor it to everyone. Also, the host of the party asked me make this"
"oh... okay..."

They finally put my ipod down and sulked away.

About ten minutes later, the host came up to me and said
"...so, my friends want to plug their ipod in...?"
"yeah, but I worked on this playlist for you... for a while..."
"yeah, I know... it's totally rude, but they're kinda pressuring me. I don't wanna listen to their crappy music either, so around nine o'clock ish can we switch it out?"
"....yeah, sure, that gives it another half hour. Sounds good. ...by the way, you know they're drinking, right?"
"they're what?"

9.00 rolls around, and I unplugged my ipod and let the stupid-ass hipster girls have their fun. A couple people gave me funny looks. "It's not my ipod anymore, sorry guys!" as the hipster girls jammed up the doorway jamming out to their french electronica. About fifteen minutes later, I went to leave to check up on my roommate, going from the courtyard into the complex. I look down the hallway, and what do I see? Police knocking on the party's door. So I book it down to my apartment, seconds later getting a text from one of the partygoers saying that the cops broke up the party. Luckily, they didn't catch the stupid-ass hipster girls drinking, but if they had I could have been in trouble were I still there.


This is not an isolated indecent. A majority of the hipster-encounters I've had usually revolve around a) how their strange indie underground music is better than yours, b) their firm belief in something thoroughly unproven like Reiki or Ghosts, quoting "scientific proof," ignoring every study and fact you throw at them, or c) Macs.

And now, as I try to go to sleep but can't, because my brother who pretends to be goth/hardcore/metal is snoring like a mother-fucker, I leave you with this:

3 comments:

  1. Haha, great post.

    Vancouver is unfortunatelly filled with hipsters. Everyone is trying to be super original by wearing their croppy hairdo and their funky clothes (headbands, little blouses and licra skirts over licra leggins, all brand-less, shape-less, fun-less in missmatched bright colours); what they don`t seem to realize is that there`s about 20 other people within a 15 metre radius all wearing the same crap, just in different colours. - I blame the clothes themselves on American Apparel; thanks California for sharing your lack of imagination in fashion with the rest of the west coast!

    As for Justice, i actually happen to love them haha, so no comment there. However, I find it extremely disrespectful when someone wants to play their music and switch to their iPod when you spend time thoughtfully making a playlist, so i feel your pain!

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  2. "Can you not touch my iPod?" Ha!

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  3. hey I remember that night! seesh. I was only there for a wee bit in the beginning. ate a bunch of food, and left. haha.

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