Saturday, August 1, 2009


I recently saw a blog about what a Straight Guy experienced going to a gay club once with his friends. I, personally, have never been to a gay club. I find a good chunk of they gay scene... intimidating, to say the least. I mean, I'm hardly your skinny-bitchy-gay-guy. I'm the on-the-stocky-side - generally-nice - likes-lady-gaga-but-loves-fall-out-boy kinda gay guy (yes, I get mad wood for Patrick Stump, what can I say?) I prefer a sugar-free red bull to a Venti Mocha Frappalatte, Burt's Bees to Lip Gloss, Wendy's to SaladWorks... you get my drift.
So yeah. I've never been to a gay club.
And, if this blog's right, I'm okay with it.

20 Observations of Gay Men at a Club by: A Straight Guy

(from TheBigSleazy)

1) Gay guys are very jealous. Saw 2 fist fights break out and 3 others squashed by security before more fists were thrown because some guy eyed some other guy's boyfriend.

2) Gay guys choreograph elaborate dances...I did not know this. Unlike us, heteros, who do the same bump-n-grind and "i think this is sex with clothing" type of dancing to every song that comes on (a total of exactly 8 different hip-hop songs that are played in every mainstream club), gay guys pull out elaborate dances involving 2-3 guys and very limber movements.

...sorta shameful straight people don't do this.

3) Gay guys, and lesbiens, seem to have sex drives of Latino rabbits. Sensual grinding and excessive crotch gyrating is not only rampant, it's a requisite.

4) There is atleast 1 single best friend female for a party of 4 gay guys partying together. This is the female who is secretly in love with her gay best friend and is patiently waiting for him to change and recognize her as his true love.

5)...that girl is usually old and overly excited about everything.

6) You will feel fat in a gay club. Period.

7) Lesbiens in NYC are....well let's just say to each his own.

8) Observation/question: Why are lesbians so angry? They seem to come to a club just to fight..

9) I enjoyed techno music more than I thought I would.

10) Gay guys are immune to paralyzing strobe lights.

Where a normal man (as I was in the club) feel faint, dizzy, and develop a mild case of vertigo in super bright LED strobe lights laden dance floor, gay guys can easily navigate and adapt to them.

Most can even wear dark sunglasses in an already dark nightclub and still be impervious to strobe lights.

11) Question/observation: Are gay guys generally light weights? Even weak drinks do their magic in 2-3 rounds.

12) You will be the fattest one in a gay club. Period.

13) There are more straight guys in a gay club than one would expect. Kudos.

14) Go-go dancers are not human. They are carved out of stone.

15) Younger gay guys are not big fans of courtesy or the phrase "excuse me"

16) The homosexuals know how to have fun. Us straight people do not know what fun is. We know drunken debauchery, suggestive dancing, sad excuses to fit in...Gay people know how to have fun.

17) I was let into the bathroom ahead of the line because the next in line said I was cute.

18) I still ponder as to why that was such an ego boost.

19) There are more six packs in a gay club than a liquor store. Very few keggers.

20) No, as most homophobe guys like to think, a gay guy doesn't want you, won't hit on you, or think you're attractive.

No, gay guys do not salivate over every ass they see on the street on every guy.

They're picky, very picky.

I guarantee you that most of these are true.

I've also been informed that the bathroom lines at Gay Clubs are horrendous because of all the bathroom sex... I've been told to pee in the ladies room; if anyone gives me shit, I'm to waggle my finger and queef "you don't know me, bitch" And yes, I used "queef" as a verb, and incorrectly to boot. Suck it. ...or, just say "queef" out of context more. Also, I don't like that spell-check doesn't know "queef". Am I spelling it wrong?

What have I learned from all of this?
Blogging while tired and sick is not good for you... or the rest of the internet, for that matter.
Boo internet. Boo Sinus/InnerEarInfection. Boo, you whore.

Now playing: Boys Like Girls - Love Drunk
via FoxyTunes

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